Believe it or not, there's still some minuscule amount of college students out there who don't drink. Shocker, right? Some of us are waiting til 21, some of us are terrified of our parents and some of us just aren't feelin' the devil's nectar. Whether it's religious or practical, we've all got our reasons, so I've decided to list out the nine types of people who don't drink.
1. Those of us who are horrible drivers as it stands
I know that drinking doesn't necessarily mean drunk driving, but I'm just bad enough I don't wanna risk it. The other day I drifted. Not because I wanted to, not because I was showing off, it just happened.
2. Those of us who cling to what little good judgement they have left
Once I purchased a subscription for a magazine I didn't want and couldn't afford because the check guy asked if I was sure and suddenly I started questioning literally everything, looked deep inside myself, and asked: "Am I sure?"
3. Those of us who are terrified of breaking the law
The one and only time I've ever been pulled over, it was almost midnight, and I rolled down the window and practically shouted "G-good morning!" Trust me, the last thing I need is more stressful involvement with the fuzz.
4. Those of us who are perfect little angels
We've all seem them. That girl that shows up to the part wearing white and sticking her nose up, or that guy in the tucked in button up reading off the side effects of liver disease from WebMD. There's a graceful way to turn down a drink, but these people are too far up each other's butts to find it.
5. Those of us who are already going senile and want to remember what we can while we can
Everybody has that friend who shows up two hours late without their wallet and no recollection of the literally dozens of times you asked them not to be late. If you can't think of that friend, sorry, but you might be that friend.
6. Those of us who are clumsy fringing on the loss of motor function
This is a valid excuse but don't be one of those people who calls themselves clumsy cause they trip every now and then. I fell three times in a row trying to go up one flight of stairs then gave up and took the elevator only to wedge my foot in the gap between the elevator and the floor. You've got to earn the right to call yourself clumsy.
7. Those of us who flirt with the skill and grace of a flustered bull
The last thing the world needs is a booze-boosted me prowling around parties puttin' the moves on people. The moves aren't good, guys, I stand at a distance for a reason.
8. Those of us who already struggle with losing every single thing they own
I once spent $50 on a pair of pants, wore them once and have never seen them since. They're in the void now.
9. Finally, there are those of us who wake up in the morning and think "Pfft, nah."
Real talk, you don't always need a reason. If you don't want to drink, then you don't want to drink and that's your decision. Don't let anyone tell you what to do. It's a big step in life, and you should get there at your own pace.
Thanks for the read, and whether you get plastered or stay sober, just remember to be safe!
