If Jerry Seinfeld were still performing stand-up to introduce his show today, he might say something like this.

Have you been watching any of this election stuff on TV lately? We're down to three candidates now and it's like none of them are even politicians. I mean, we've got this guy who sells real estate in New York, some guy who looks like he just came from a Woodstock party and if you don't like any of those, then you're stuck with some lady who's about to go to prison. It's like, a businessman, a hippie and a crook walk into a bar, who's most likely to become president? It's as if nobody wants to be president anymore and we've succumbed to just letting anybody put their name in the hat to run. Maybe Charles Manson would like to run for president. He was born here, old enough, not under FBI investigation and he's already got jail experience. Why not? I'd say he's pretty qualified.

If "Seinfeld" was still on the air today, one could argue that the 2016 presidential election would certainly provide good subject matter for an episode. The show ended in 1998, so we'll unfortunately never hear what the producers would have to say. Nonetheless, it got me thinking - how would the characters vote if they were heading out to the polls for this election? As twisted as politics are in the present, I've decided to replace the electoral college with the "popular 'Seinfeld' vote" for the purposes of simulating the election with the current field of candidates.

We're about four and a half months from election day now, so without further ado, let's take a peek into the voting booths as our characters of choice from the greatest TV show of all time stake their claims for who they would like to see become the next president of the United States of Kramerica. Err, America...

Elaine Benes

Elaine never seems to have much trouble expressing her opinions or making her own independent decisions. She is intelligent, and her IQ of 145 speaks for itself. I personally feel that of the show's four major characters, Elaine would be most likely to do thorough research on each of the candidates to make an informed decision. That being considered, she is also very shallow and superficial, so it is possible she could be swayed by factors that don't have anything to do with politics. I don't think either of the male candidates in play are sponge-worthy, though, so that shouldn't factor into her decision at all (although John F. Kennedy Jr. was, so maybe that gives the upper hand to the Democrats).

Elaine is a bit easy to offend, so I doubt she would take too kindly to some of the things Trump has said about women. She's got a hint of feminism in her as well, so I could see her pinning him as a misogynist and not being able to look past that. She holds her pro-choice belief in high regard so much so that she once ended things with a man she was dating because he didn't share the same opinion, so one would think she would tend to lean leftwards anyway.

I can't see Elaine kicking up too much fuss about the staples of Bernie Sanders' platform. She wouldn't care much about free college or marijuana legalization, and she'd certainly be impartial to the plight of the lower classes. She's always been quick to jump to the defense of women, especially when it comes to gaining entry to a contest judging who is master of one's domain, so I think Hillary gets her vote in spite of the fact that she's a bit of a high talker.

Final Vote: Hillary Clinton

Jerry Seinfeld

I feel as if Jerry could lean a couple different ways in this election. I don't think he'd have an overzealous allegiance to either party, and knowing the type of person he is, I wouldn't be surprised if he ignored policy altogether in his decision. I could see him voting for a particular candidate based solely on the fact that their favorite superhero is Superman.

For logic's sake, though, let's assume Jerry is rational in his political patterns. Based on Jerry's gender-centrism, I'm guessing that he wouldn't vote for Clinton because the women's rights movement can't seem to make any progress in the field of bribery. On one hand, Jerry could have a soft spot for Sen. Sanders given that they both practice Judaism. I think a similarity like that would be hard for Jerry to ignore. On the other hand, however, Trump has been very outspoken about rebuffing the military and fortifying our presence in the Middle East should he be elected, and perhaps that would translate to a heightened sense of security for Israel, which of course is Jerry's holy land.

However, Jerry is also a very indifferent individual when it comes to issues that don't directly concern him. He is not easily rattled and never goes over the top to express his emotions. He rarely experiences any serious problems in his personal life other than breaking up with a woman once a week. Rather, he often finds himself observing the troubles of his co-main characters from a distance close enough that he can still offer friendly aid, but far enough that he can still find and enjoy the humor in their sticky situations.

Jerry is a comedian first and foremost, and his "break even" approach to life will drive him to realize that instead of joining his three close friends in bickering over politics at the coffee shop, his time would be much better spent apathetically poking fun at all of the candidates and maybe even formulating some new material for his next skit in the process. He strikes me as someone susceptible to be discouraged by the belief that his vote wouldn't matter, too.

Final Vote: Even Steven

Kramer

As much of a quirk as Kramer is, he would probably hit his head on his way into the voting booth. While Kramer and his lack of audible filter may may draw comparisons to Trump's brutal honesty, I'm not sure there's a more perfect match between the characters and the candidates as there is between Kramer and Sen. Sanders. Sanders wants to give out a lot of free stuff, and Kramer has been receiving free stuff ever since Jerry moved in across the hall from him. In fact, George Costanza once referred to Kramer's entire life as a "fantasy camp."

Kramer is unique from the show's other main characters in that he is outwardly friendly and personable. He's the most socially outgoing, is usually willing to lend a helping hand, and always sticks up for what he believes is right. He's the guy that would turn in his best friend if he killed someone, fights off a mugger on the bus just to save a pinky toe and boycotts a fast-food chicken chain because the restaurant's lights are too bright. Kramer is the feel-good, happy-go-lucky character in the show, and that's precisely the kind of aura that Sanders gives off. Kramer is also very sensitive, so he wouldn't be at all interested in Trump's political incorrectness pitch.

They mean well, but they both have a tendency to go about their business in unconventional ways. Some examples of Kramer's eccentricity include swimming recreationally in the East River, coating his entire body in butter to shave and not wearing underwear in an attempt to increase his sperm count. Sanders wants to help out a lot of people as well, but he wants to take over 40 percent of the wealthiest Americans' paychecks to do so. Kramer was on strike from his job at the bagel shop for a while, but other than the one day he returned after the strike was lifted, he's never held a real job, so he'd be all in on the freebies he'd receive under Sanders' socialist regime. Plus, I could totally see Sanders glowing over Kramer's coffee table book about coffee tables. Giddy up, Sen. Sanders!

Final Vote: Bernie Sanders

George Costanza

George once said that if he were running for office, he would ask for the death penalty for double parkers. While none of the candidates can quite reach that level of revolutionary, George would still prefer a candidate that does the exact opposite of all the other candidates in the race, and Trump certainly fits that build.

Like Trump, George doesn't really prefer to play by the rules - he has sex in his office, converts to Latvian Orthodox for a woman and once wanted to bring Ring-Dings and Pepsi to a cocktail party. He loves to defy the establishment, which is precisely the strategy Trump has been using to win over votes. Of course, I can't see Trump urinating in a gym locker room stall any time soon, but in the political domain he really eats the half-disposed chocolate eclair out of the proverbial garbage can, so to speak. Though their shoot-from-the-hip mentalities have been known to get them into trouble, this mentality is integral to George's personality and is arguably the most attractive facet of Trump's campaign.

It's not really that I consider George to be a strong Republican, but rather, I can't see him siding with any of the Democrats. He'd never vote for a woman, and he'd likely quiver at the thought of Sanders' socialist ideals. He takes so much pleasure in the misfortunes of others that it would be illogical for him to support somebody that aims to help so many people in the lower and middle classes.

Final Vote: Donald Trump

David Puddy

Puddy is a devout Christian man, and the radio stations in his car will tell you just that. He's a recovering germaphobe, which probably pushes him to identify with Trump seeing as how Trump has also expressed a variety of political phobias during his campaign. I think Puddy definitely leans to the right even though one might think his disdain for the term "grease monkey" would coincide with the political correctness agenda of the Democratic party. Sorry for the misunderstanding there, Puddy. You were such a good mechanic that Seinfeld even let you steal his move so that he could keep bringing his car Elaine gets on your case about it, just break up with her and get her back after the election. High five! On the flip side!

Final Vote: Donald Trump

Tim Whatley

Dr. Whatley converted to Judaism just so he could tell Jewish jokes, much to Jerry's dismay, and well... yada yada yada, Sanders is also Jewish. Imagine Clinton taking Jerry's place at confession.

Clinton: "I'm convinced Sen. Sanders converted to Judaism just to get more votes."

Father: "And this offends you as former Secretary of State?"

Clinton: "No, it offends me as a presidential candidate."

Plus, there's no evidence to suggest that Sanders is an anti-dentite.

Final Vote: Bernie Sanders

Bob & Cedric

Sanders' name fits seamlessly into this weirdo duo's favored catch-phrase (Who?! Who doesn't want to vote for Sanders?!), although they won't be able to harass Kramer this time since he also supports Sanders. Bob and Cedric are also of Hispanic backgrounds, which certainly doesn't help Trump win over these two.

Final Votes: Bernie Sanders, Bernie Sanders

Kenny Bania

Clinton's the best, Jerry, the best! She's the candidate who is most likely to think that soup isn't a meal and that Ovaltine should be called Roundtine. Jerry holds strongly in the belief that Bania is nothing more than a comedic hack that spends a lot of his time piggy-backing off of him, so we do have to consider the possibility that Bania also abstain from voting in this election. However, knowing how much Jerry loathes Bania, he'd likely feign supporting Hillary just to get in his head. Of course, Bania wouldn't pick up on Jerry's sarcasm, further leading him to believe that he's met Jerry's political approval. That's gold, Jerry, gold!

Final Vote: Hillary Clinton

J. Peterman

There's not a whole lot to say here that hasn't already been discussed in Kramer's voter analysis seeing as how Peterman and Kramer have many similarities. You can't sit there and tell me Sanders wouldn't be most likely to run off to the Burmese jungle to escape his problems. He's probably got a fixation for "The English Patient," too.

Final Vote: Bernie Sanders

Jack Klompus

I'm not even sure Hillary Clinton's platform would appeal to Klompus that much, but he'll take any chance he can get to spite the Seinfelds ever since Jerry ran off with his astronaut pen. I think Klompus' thirst for vengeance is good enough to earn a vote for Clinton. After all, this wouldn't be the first time he and the Seinfelds fought it out in the political arena. At least Morty Seinfeld isn't running for Condo Board this time.

Final Vote: Hillary Clinton

Jackie Chiles

The recurring lawyer thinks everything Trump says is lewd, lascivious, salacious and outrageous, and Sanders' democratic socialist model is outrageous, egregious, and preposterous. Clinton's face is definitely Chile's case, and she's going to need every ounce of Chile's courtroom greatness should she ultimately face an indictment.

Final Vote: Hillary Clinton

Morty Seinfeld and Helen Seinfeld

Let's be honest, with the exception of Klompus, it's hard to picture anybody in all of Del Boca Vista voting for anybody other than Trump, unless Kramer is running for Condo Board President. Despite the fact that some have drawn comparisons between him and Hitler, I don't think Trump would take very kindly to any of his children making out during Schindler's List. The elder Seinfelds are sure to get on board with that.

Final Votes: Donald Trump, Donald Trump

Frank Costanza

Having served in the Korean War, Trump has certainly won over the support of George Costanza's father with his sympathetic stances on Veteran affairs.

Final Vote: Donald Trump

Estelle Costanza

Frank Costanza and Estelle Costanza argue about everything, so it only makes sense they'd argue about this election, too. Estelle is fond of women, she always has nice things to say about Benes, and she was so taken by Donna Chang that she was swayed to reconcile things with Frank, at least until she found out that Donna wasn't actually Chinese. In addition, the Democrats probably have the upper hand here due to the fact that she's always wished that George would be more like the beloved Lloyd Braun, who of course was a former advisor to Mayor Dinkins. Hopefully she doesn't hear about the kind of crook Clinton is before the election, or this vote could definitely be subject to change.

Final Vote: Hillary Clinton

OK, the polls have now officially closed and it's time to tally up the votes! But wait, if you've been paying attention at home, you might have noticed that we actually have a three-way tie! Each of the candidates have five votes, so to name the winner of the 2016 presidential election once and for all, we need to bring in an arbitrator, someone cold and calculated, someone devious, someone completely immune to the confines of general human decency...

Newman

Hello, Newman! Jerry doesn't have any stake in the presidential race, so the show's antagonist and only consistent source of pure evil can't take the easy way out by simply spiting his down-the-hall nemesis. Luckily, this makes him impartial, and with the prior mediation experience he has under his belt, he is the perfect character to consult for the tiebreaker. Of course, there's still less to him than what meets the eye.

Newman will settle this much like he settled Kramer and Elaine's bike ownership feud - by consulting the Judgment of Solomon. He will interview each of the candidates to shed light on their true political motivations and eventually come to the decision that all three candidates have in fact won the election. They will all live in the White House and equally share the responsibilities as president of the United States of America.

As a result, nothing happens.There is a four year long logjam on any and every kind of legislation because nobody can agree on anything,and the political landscape in the United States goes largely unchanged except for the fact that the electoral college has been replaced by the popular "'Seinfeld' vote." Alas, the 2016 election has been appropriately dubbed as the election about nothing. Plenty of things happen, but in the end, it all rounds out to nothing

But then again, if nothing happens for four years, then it's almost like the show has come to life for four more seasons, and honestly, I think that would be pretty cool. Given the current state of dishonesty, disagreement and outright paralysis in American government and politics, it's not like anything would be much different than it is right now, anyway.