It's that time of year again. Dark clouds are gathering on the horizon of the semester. There is a certain doom wrapped in the hideous Georgia humidity. Brace yourselves. Finals are coming. We've thought about them all semester, but have pushed them away because "those don't happen for months!" No longer. The time of judgement is at hand. Suit up with your best messy buns, grab your coziest sweatpants, drink your strongest coffee, and prepare for the final fight to defend the crown jewel: your GPA. Is this your first time on the battlefield, or are you a hardened warrior? Fear not! I have compiled a battle plan for the Finals Experience. Know that you are not alone, noble student. We will get through this together, in the most anti-social way possible.
Stage 1: You experience a delusional surge of hope and determination.
You absolutely have time to write that research paper, study for three finals, and grab dinner with your friends! If you start now, you'll have 12 hours to complete your task list. Never mind the fact that it typically takes you four hours of Facebook surfing to work up the motivation to write an opening paragraph. That's a minor detail.
Stage 2: Your optimism begins to evaporate as reality sinks in.
You have now come to terms with the fact your hopefulness was due to temporary insanity. Your opening paragraph took you a whopping five hours of internet browsing to write, and you now realize your mistake. Get ready, Chicken Little. The sky is falling.
Stage 3: Pajamas begin to comprise your entire wardrobe.
Your college sense of logic has made it clear that you absolutely do not have time to put on real clothes. This will cost valuable seconds that could make the difference between shining success and utter failure. Plus, the ice skating moose on your pajama bottoms are far more encouraging than boring old jeans.
Stage 4: You eat all of your feelings.
The dining hall has become your sanctuary. Nothing will ever understand you like chocolate ice cream will, and the sugar rush gives you the push to make it through that never-ending chapter review. If you can bring yourself to do it, try to eat some spinach or blueberries during your study session for a brain boost!
Stage 5: Your bloodstream begins to transform into a coffee stream.
Who has time for sleep? You're running entirely on magic bean juice, and you're starting to get complaints from your circulatory system. No matter. There is simply too much blood in your coffee stream, and you need all the energy you can get. Or at least all the Starbucks you can afford.
Stage 6: You forget everything you've ever learned. Ever.
You now understand Rihanna when she croons, "What's my name?" Your brain has been turned into total goo from studying, and you question everything you once believed to be true. Cue identity crisis in 3... 2... 1...
Stage 7: You forget what day it is and start talking like someone on death row.
It's all starting to blend together now. Every time you close your eyes, a sea of garbled facts floats in front of them. How long have you been this way? Will you ever be rescued from this dire fate?
Stage 8: You become a glassy-eyed hermit.
You know that empty look you see on your classmate's faces as you walk past? You're wearing that same face, my friend. If you start to cower like a blind mole rat when you encounter sunlight, you may need to change your strategy.
Stage 9: You are so emotionally exhausted that the simplest tasks make you start crying.
Pressing enter to go to the next line in your paper? Nope. No can do. This is asking way too much, and your entire psyche may shatter if you push that button. You'd better go back to internet surfing to work up your motivation.
Stage 10: You wonder how bad it would actually be to spend your life selling milkshakes at McDonald's.
You would have the opportunity to meet new people! You could learn how to cook! You could be around french fries all day! Who needs to follow their dreams, anyway? Oh, wait.
Stage 11: You experience a final crazed surge of productivity.
Your mind has broken out of its terrified haze, and you remember why you came to college in the first place. You are a strong, independent person, and you will pull the world's best all-nighter. This stage is also usually accompanied by a strong side of regret due to excessive internet time.
Stage 12: You realize that there is no shame in taking a celebratory nap on the floor in the fetal position.
You have survived, and you have earned the right to fall asleep in the middle of your floor in a fetal position. The legends never tell you that after the knights slayed the dragon, they took a celebratory nap. Swords and textbooks are both unwieldy weapons, and you deserve a break.
