Please don't be put off by that headline. This post isn't about toilet humor (pun intended) and won't include anything graphically gross--other than what's inferred.

I gained some positive feedback from my post a few weeks ago that listed my top five strangest encounters on public transportation, so I figure I can regale you with tales of a similar sort, only this time I will list my strangest public restroom experiences.

My message regarding public transportation was this: despite the fact that weirdos are out there and you're bound to encounter them from time to time, you shouldn't ignore all of the benefits of public transportation. And it's free entertainment!

My message here is a little bit different, because while it would seem to be a warning against using the toilet in public, avoiding restrooms is hard to do. I've known plenty of people that say they refuse to use public restrooms, and that's easy to do when it's a choice between holding it for an extra ten minutes on your car ride home versus stopping at the local crack house of a gas station. But when you're stuck at work for an 8 hour day, sometimes nature calls, and when you gotta go, you gotta go.

So I guess the message here is--don't do these things. Don't do ANY of these things. The restroom is a vulnerable enough place for everyone already without people making it even more awkward.

So here we go! My top five strangest restroom encounters, with notes of advice:

5: Back Away

If you walk into a restroom, and every stall is available except for one, maybe don't choose that one to use?

On more than one occasion I have had someone select the stall I am occupying at the moment, and feel the need to try--more than once--to push on the door. In my strangest encounter, the woman pushed on the door not once or twice or three times, but continuously shook it until I said: "Just a minute!" and then felt the need to smack the door, as if she were a sore loser defeated by an altercation that didn't occur.

Maybe she hid her drug stash in the little waste can? I don't know.

And as a side note--please, please don't make eye contact with people through the stall door. It's okay if it happens by accident as you're passing by, but pressing your face up to the door and looking at someone is a different story. That's called harassment, brother!

4: Potty Party

I guess I've just never been a girl who needs to implement the buddy system when I go to the bathroom. This isn't meant to be an insult to girls; it's just a weird thing most of us do that I don't quite get. The restroom is a private place for private matters, and while I know everyone has normal bodily functions, I'd rather take care of my business in the comfort of strangers that I don't have to talk to later.

On one particular occasion, there was what seemed like a party going on in the restroom of the building I work in. It wasn't just two or three friends; I'm talking about a whole departments-worth of women having an impromptu get-together...in the bathroom.

Look. I'm not trying to judge here, but maybe if you really want to chit-chat with a whole bunch of friends, you can hit up the Starbucks right outside. It's bound to be more hygienic. And that way, I won't get the "You're an asshole" stare-down when I interrupt your boisterous conversation by using the loud automatic air dryer after I wash my hands.

3. Phones? Really?!

While I still don't fully understand why women (or anyone in general) would choose to talk on their phone whilst in a public restroom, I've accepted it as one of those really weird things that happens on a regular basis.

But when a woman (or anyone in general) decides to get angry at me for flushing the toilet, in a restroom, because, "That's so rude! I'm on the phone!" ...IN A RESTROOM, I cannot help but laugh and die a little more on the inside.

2. Strange Noises

I don't quite know how to explain this one, so I'll just copy the text from my original Facebook post about it:

"After hearing a woman in the restroom use a stopwatch/timer on her pee-flow, I've officially decided there is entirely too much crazy happening in public restrooms, and I can no longer handle it. I'm boycotting them, and now taking my business to the bushes."

Now, I didn't stick to that promise, because as uncomfortable as restrooms make me, risking being charged with indecent exposure for peeing outside of my work building, which exists on a college campus, doesn't sound all that appealing.

And who am I to judge? Maybe she had some sort of legitimate medical reason to do that. But I doubt it.

1. Why Do You Have a Knife in Here?

I think most of these so far have been fairly easy to relate to for others (maybe not the last one) but this one, I can almost guarantee you haven't heard or seen yourself. But if you have, please get in touch with me. Perhaps we can seek trauma counseling together. We can fight this thing! We'll make it through!

This occurrence was a woman in the stall next to mine doing something, I don't know what, but the sound can only be described as a person sawing through a Pringles can with a serrated blade. Like, no (I don't think) it was a noise coming from her body. I literally think she was cutting up cardboard. Ineffectively, because there was a lot of grunting accompanying it.

So, that's it. Those are my strangest experiences in restrooms. Please feel free to share yours if you have any! Perhaps, together, we can bring mass awareness that is necessary for change to restroom etiquette standards.

Bonus: What is this? Don't do this. That's not where the water goes. The water is supposed to stay in the toilet bowl. (This is an actual picture I took in the restroom in my work building--and no, it was not raining or snowing that day).