“Eryn, you don’t have to justify someone loving you so much that they want to pay a lot of money for you to get a good education.”

And finally I understood.

You see, my grandparents are paying for my tuition. That’s why me, just a girl from Indiana who at one time was getting financial aid from my school to eat lunch, is now at a private college in upstate New York. I wouldn’t be here if I were paying. No. I’d have my ass in some community college in Indiana where I could work and go to school and get a degree in something I probably hate, probably dead end, but I would be almost guaranteed to get a job.

But that’s not what happened. Here I am, totally overwhelmed with blessings and opportunities that don’t usually happen to girls like me and getting so much more than I deserve: an education from my dream school.

I came in as exploratory. I didn’t know what I wanted to major in. I was (and am) at a battle with myself over what I should major in vs what will get me a job. I argue with myself over what would be the logical choice versus what I actually enjoy (business versus exercise science).

So how did that quote come up?

You see, on Thursday I met with the chair of the occupational therapy program, Dr. Diane Long. She asked me how I decided OT. I couldn’t give her an answer. Realistically? It’s because I know it’s a growing field. Realistically it’s because I knew I would somewhat enjoy it because it’s a very indirect relationship with my one true love: all things athletics. I didn’t see that I was doing this to myself (potentially choosing a major I have no interest in) until Dr. Long reminded me that OT doesn’t really have anything to do with athletics. (Dr. Long, if you’re reading this, you’re a saint and thank you for kicking my ass back in line). I left that meeting VERY overwhelmed because I realized I had no idea what I was doing. I had told myself OT was it.

The quote above is from a conversation I was having with my dad after that meeting. He was saying I could be a P.E. teacher. My response was, “I would feel bad if all this money was spent on me, and then I go out and become a teacher.” (Not that a teacher isn’t a respectable field — it is. But there is no reason to spend THIS MUCH money on a teaching degree when I could get a more accredited teaching degree from BSU.)

“Eryn, you don’t have to justify someone loving you so much that they want to pay a lot of money for you to get a good education.”

It was then that I realized I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I had known all along to an extent. I’m just so afraid that my grandparents will spend all of this money, and then I'd end up not being successful in any field. Because now there is a price over my head. Now I have x amount of money that's being spent on me, and if I don’t measure up to that x, then it was all a waste. It’s a failure.

But I will fail. I know that. I mean, come on, I have a tally count on my phone of how many times I’ve fallen down the stairs (it’s four in case you were wondering). I’m not exactly the straightest arrow out there. Failure is inevitable, and I know that.

But there is still that number hovering over my head, whispering in my ear, tickling my neck. But my dad is right, the number is a figment of MY imagination. My grandparents don’t give a shit, and if they did, they wouldn’t be paying for it.

So there is no argument anymore. This isn’t some COPD commercial where I’m walking around with an elephant on my chest. Nope. This is my life. And the number is just a number.

I’m just trying my best to not let it affect me.