Dear President Trump,

I know ordinary citizens like me must have exhausted you this past week with all of their inquiries and criticisms of the many new changes implemented by your administration. From your hastening of the Keystone Pipeline construction to your latest ban on migration from seven Muslim-majority countries, handling the public responses to such drastic changes must pose an immense challenge for the leader of the free world.

I imagine many of these responses have been negative, pulling at the numerous morally questionable decisions made in just one short week. Accomplishing such ambitious goals in your first 100 days can’t possibly be an easy feat, especially with so many critics biting at your every move.

I, however, am not one of these critics.

Instead, I am here to thank you for all that your administration has so rapidly taught me about the world. Never have my views and morals been so deeply confounded by a single political figure and I can’t say I have ever been granted such a fresh understanding of my country and its proud people in this limited span of time. Allow me to elaborate:

Before you took office, Mr. Trump, any success in my future seemed so daunted by the innumerable credentials and experiences it necessitated. But, after seeing such profoundly inept and utterly incapable cabinet members as those whom you vehemently nominated, I now know that I too can gain a great deal of political power simply by adulating the right millionaires.

After all, if Betsy DeVos can sit in front of the entire senate and demonstrate next to no understanding of the department she plans to dictate, let alone human communication or morality as a whole, and still be legitimately considered, what’s to stop me from doing the same? No longer will I waste countless hours of my precious time preparing for job interviews or studying to earn a "degree" when I know that America no longer grants value to any of that. Tremendous!

Mr. Trump, now that your character is one that delineates all members of these United States of America, my social life has completely changed. God only knows how much effort I put into understanding and acting against racism, misogyny, homophobia, ableism and generic horrendousness in past years.

Now I can just let loose! No more energy wasted on consideration, empathy and human rights when the President of the United States has implicitly decreed that all are irrelevant. Win!

While we’re on the topic of empathy, I am eternally grateful to you for reminding this country that I don’t deserve any. Where that pesky Supreme Court wasted its time granting rights to LGBT+ Americans like me, you decided to do what the good book intended and argue to remove our rights, placing us back at a sub-human level where we belong.

I was getting so tired of being treated with almost the same level of respect as is received by straight Americans when I knew I deserved so much less. You are truly a man of God. By that I mean the Christian god, who I assume, like you do, all Americans worship unanimously.

All in all, this presidency has already moved me in ways that no other has. Emotionally moved, that is. I’m not one of those illegal criminals in need of deportation that you talk about, like every Mexican and Muslim ever.

I have learned that money is power, and power means I get to wear a giant red tie every day for the rest of my life. I have learned that lying is far more effective than telling the truth (and it could even win me the presidency). But most importantly I have learned that you, Donald Trump, truly have the best words.

Thank you for making America great again. All heil hail Donald Trump!

Sincerely,

A humble American