Growing up and even now as a young adult, there was always a group that everyone wanted to be a part of, a group that determined your status by their opinion of you. Quite honestly, I could not fit in any of those groups. In 2nd grade, if you couldn't play kickball, you weren't included. I was so bad at fitting into that group, it was excruciatingly painful to watch. Fast forward to middle school, I wanted so bad to fit into somewhere I did anything to fit in. I changed my clothing, my hair, and who I was so these 12-year-olds would like me. How ridiculous does this sound? I never realized how much it would impact me, I ended up fitting in, ladies and gentlemen: I regret it.
As soon as I fit in, I lost a part of who I was and who I became, was not someone to be proud of. I focused on only the people I thought were like me, the people that got to go to parties and such. This defined me, being able to go to certain pool parties and sit at a certain lunch table. I became exactly what I hated in elementary school. I won't get into details but I hurt people like I was hurt, I verbally made them feel horrible for their flaws. Before it was too late, I dug myself into a deep hole that I couldn't get out of. I turned around and apologized to everyone I had ever hurt, remembering the person I was gave me extreme anxiety. I slowly started to become myself again, the tables switched, and I was again excluded. Now hang in there with me, I am getting to the part where I was glad to be left out. Fast forward to college....
My vision for college was that I needed to be involved in a bunch of organizations/clubs, that I needed to be a likable person. I spent the summer preparing to be a likable person : getting a tan, getting my hair done, and getting a new wardrobe. I came into college thinking that I wanted to be in a sorority, I thought it would be amazing to have a group of girls to have a bond with, a group of girls that would support you and better you: it was my vision. At Campbell, you rush second semester, so I rushed and hoped so bad I could fit into either of the sororities. The girls seemed super sweet the first night, it was an amazing experience and I enjoyed it. However, there were little things that I missed, everything is not as perfect as you see in cute, matching pictures, and etc. The end of the week came... and I was not invited back to either sororities. I was that girl. It crushed me that in the email ( that they forwarded), I was one of the three not to be invited back, out of all those girls I was the one of the three picked out. I felt the tears stream down my face and thoughts of anguish entering my head. Why was I not good enough? Well, a light bulb went off in my brain.
I was not meant to be a part of something like that. For whatever reason I was NOT included, THANK YOU. I realized that for me personally, I did not want to be involved in a group that had the potential to make people feel that way. I did not need to be liked by a group of girls to be successful in my college career, it was a great reminder for me. I was reminded of where I had been and where I am heading. There are so many kind people in Greek Life but at the end of the day, it is not for me. I realized it was okay that it was not for me. Looking a certain way, acting a certain way, to be accepted is not part of who I am and there is no need to compromise my self-worth. Thank you so much, those exclusive experiences opened so many doors that I could not have even imagined existed.
- XO's
