When I was younger I always wanted to just grow up, move out and have a job where I would make a lot of money and not have to worry about all my problems. But now that I am almost 21 years old, in college to get my degree and struggling to handle school, volleyball, and my friends all at the same time; I'm starting to regret not enjoying the time that I had as a kid. All the time that I spent worrying about where I was going to go to college, or what I was going to do when I got older I could have spent it enjoying the time I had with my friends.

Growing up I had always felt like I was the outsider because all the girls were either on the dance team or cheering and not too many of us actually played a sport because we loved the game not because our parents wanted us to play or "stick it out" until high school started. But when you learn to love the game you tend to become just that one girl sitting in english class. Now I'm not saying that I didn't have friends who were on the dance or the cheer team, I'm saying that being friends with them made me that much more insecure.

Then playing high school volleyball as an 8th grader things started to get even harder. Being the younger one on the team, being the one who came in and didn't know anyone on the team and being put on the floor over girls who have been there for 2 years made loving the game start to become a little less.Things were hard for the first year, not only with volleyball but it also portrayed in my social life at school. I became so busy with it all that I wasn't doing other things like everyone else; this was also the year that I started playing club volleyball. It was rough but I made it through somehow with the help of my family and the very close and few friends that I had.

Flash forward to high school, trying to make it through the 4 years that everyone says you are supposed to love and enjoy. Looking back I in-fact did not enjoy high school, maybe a little but not as much as other people probably did. I kept playing volleyball because it is something that I loved to do, and it became more of a priority because I was starting varsity as a freshman with a lot of the weight on my shoulders to keep the team where it was before I came in; and it didn't get any easier as the years went by. It was super hard to do all the things that I loved to do with my friends and slowly my friend group became smaller and smaller but then I realized that it was all I really needed. Small groups of people make it easier to trust someone and find those people that you have things in common with, that's what it was all about for me.

Graduation day was not hard for me, it wasn't a big emotional fest, because I knew that it would be the last time that I would actually have to step foot in the school and not have to look back questioning my life decisions day to day. Do not get me wrong, I'm grateful for the place that I went to high school, it prepared me for things that I needed in college, but I was also glad to leave and move on to things that I knew I was meant for, things that I was ready for.

I considered myself an outsider all throughout middle school and some of high school. It was when I realized that I was trying to hard to get the attention from people who were doing things to impress each other or out do someone to get what they thought was "popularity" because that's how it is in high school, even if you don't think it is. I realized that I needed to stop comparing myself or making myself into someone that I didn't recognize and decided to just be myself and enjoy the last few years or months with all the close friends that I do have and accept that this is who I am. I am someone who loves to play volleyball, who will always love to play volleyball. I went to a college where I can play it not for money but because I love the game so much I didn't want to end it after high school. I am the girl who loves to watch sports, I am the girl who likes to read and write, I am someone who survived it all by myself. I am an outsider, but I am my own person. I didn't have anyone to hold my hand to tell me that everything was going to be okay, I didn't need to always be out every weekend partying it up with people that I barely know just because it looks like fun.

I thank my younger self for teaching me that it's alright to be alone, and it's alright to go unnoticed because one day someone will notice you and then it will cause a ripple effect because of the things that you do and being who you are. My younger self would have never thought I would be where I am today, taking my time in getting my degree, enjoying my time as a college athlete with all of the friends that I have made while being away from my little hometown. Surviving college and getting through life one step at a time. So thank you younger self for everything that you have taught me because of you I am who I am today and I wouldn't want it any other way.