Alright, class of 2018. Time flew, but we made it. We're about to branch out into the real world, maybe a little smarter, maybe a little wiser, let's hope. Anywho, we couldn't get here alone, so if you don't mind, I'd like to take a few minutes to write some thank you notes? Is that okay with y'all?
*cue piano music*
Thank you…
1. …Required classes outside your specialization…
For teaching me valuable life lessons that will make me a better future professional. Like the fact the Michelle Obama's hair does in fact matter.
2. …Overpriced on-campus mozzarella sticks…
For making the Freshman 15 more like the Halfway-Through-Sophomore-Year 15.
3. …The guy who hit me with his car when my bike brakes failed freshman year…
For a shin bruise that sounded way more gangster than it actually was.
4. …Hitchhiking chemicals from chemistry lab…
For eating a hole through my glove but not quietly murdering me in my sleep.
5. …The professor that habitually walks into class 14 minutes late…
For always being there. For teaching me not only 46 minutes worth of material but teaching me patience. For slowly eroding my hopes of canceled classes.
6. …Graduation caps…
For making me feel like the flying nun.
7. …Southern Baptist upbringing…
For always giving me a good excuse to be who I really am on Thursday nights. A 79-year-old grandma in her PJs who just wants some peace and quiet while she eats her pudding cup.
8. …Research articles…
For showing me two things that might possibly be true for this very specific population and 99 other things that we still don't know.
9. ...Planner stickers…
For transforming a detailed account of the procrastination process into a work of art.
10. …College-level English classes…
For teaching me that anything is correct as long as you pretend like you know what you're talking about. (At least in the English world.)
11. …Two-hour drives home…
For transforming anxious drivers into Starbucks addicts and American Idol-wannabes who no longer care if adjacent drivers see them talking to themselves in the car, within the course of four short years.
12. …Required online class discussion boards…
For making me an expert at crafting variations on the phrase "I found your presentation very interesting."
13. …Major professors and advisors…
For being one of the few individuals in the world who will discuss how awesome lecithin is without sarcasm.
14. …College dorm room…
For showing me that I could get along just fine in one of those tiny homes.
15. …That one person you shared a class with freshman year and still see everywhere…
For also always being there. *exchanges awkward smile and moves along*
16. …Parents…
For always hugging me like I wasn't there a week ago, two max.
17. …Friends and family back home…
For always thinking I'm on spring break and probably wondering if I actually go to school at all. Nope, just home for the weekend again.
18. …Friends in college…
For making my sleep hygiene habits seem normal.
19. …Library…
For being a great place to work on a laptop in front of rows and rows of books.
20. …University experience as a whole…
I came so I could know things. I'm leaving knowing a lot of new things, but simultaneously realizing that the smartest people are those willing to admit what they still don't know and how to do something about it.
That's false advertising if you ask me.
