Dear Heart,

This thank you is long over due. Almost seven years ago, I let the darkness over come me and attempted to give up my battle - but heart you never gave up. Thank you for beating day in and day out even on the days I felt as though I could not move, you kept on moving. Seven years ago I couldn't see past the darkness but you could and you kept me going.

To be honest, I don't believe I deserved your faith. I didn't exactly live a life worthy of your faith but you gave it to me. Thank you for that.

• At sixteen years old, I couldn't imagine life past my darkness.
• At sixteen years old, I couldn't picture living another day.
• At sixteen years old, I believed the world would be better without me.
• But at sixteen years old, you helped me believe I needed to keep going.

• At seventeen years old, I spiraled into the darkness.
• At seventeen years old, I pushed away everyone who loved me.
• At seventeen years old, I hated myself.
• But at seventeen years old, you kept beating.

• At eighteen years old, I chose to see myself through other's eyes.
• At eighteen years old, I allowed other's insecurities to ruin me.
• At eighteen years old, I allowed my anxiety to own me.
• But at eighteen years old, you knew what I could be.

Though the battle was never pretty and the darkness seemed to outweigh the good you never let me go. You kept pushing, you kept beating and never took "let me go" as an answer, you never allowed me to wave the white flag to my demons - thank you for that. While I belittled myself, inflected pain on myself - you kept going. You watched me push others to keep going, while giving up on myself but never once gave up on beating for me.

• Because you saw the happiness to come, I am truly happy now.
• Because you pushed through, I can't imagine sitting in my sadness again.
• Because you saw what my life could be, I live a life I would have never imagine before.
• Because of you pushing me through heartbreak, I am loved in ways I could have never imagine.
• Because you never gave into my desire to let go, I now could never imagine letting go.

Heart because of your faith, I live a life I never want to leave. I know through the good and bad, I really will be okay. I have a home, I have a dog who I live for and a family I wouldn't trade for the world.

Heart because of you I get to experience real love

• I'll never leave this world thinking the words "You're stupid" translate to
  I love you again.
• I'll never leave this world thinking I am not enough.
• I'll never feel like my imperfections make me worthy of physical or emotional abuse again.
• I'll never again allow myself to know anything less than respect and kindness again.
• I will know happiness and real love
• I am able to believe someone when they tell me I am beautiful
• I am able to receive compliments
• I am able to love wholeheartedly not only others but finally myself too.
• I will live a life full of love and experiences, I couldn't imagine then but look forward to now.

Heart because of you

• I still am able to experience bad days but I appreciate them.
• I still am able to have a temper or get mad over silly things, but I laugh it off a lot quicker now.
• I still am able to fall down, but I know you beat for me and we'll get through everything.
• I am able to make a fool of myself but love and embrace every moment of it rather than worrying about what other people think.
• I am able to not only be empathic to others but to myself
• I am finally able to say the empty words I said at sixteen "fake a smile and one day it will be real" really are true and not only that they are true, but that your smile will be bigger and brighter than ever and your laugh will be stronger and sillier than ever.
• I know I am loved.
• Because you kept going I get to experience appreciation, gratitude and admiration

When I tried to take my life at sixteen, I remember someone telling me "You don't want to die" - I was furious. How could you tell me I don't want to die? Do you know how I feel? Do you know what emptiness feels like? I can say now, that person saw future me and who I could be and goodness they were right. I didn't want to die, I wanted the person I was then to die - so I could be who I am today. I am so happy to be alive. Today, I can imagine a life after tomorrow, this year or even twenty years from now. As someone who never thought they'd see twenty this is an incredible feeling.

Though I don't know who needs this - I know someone does. Keep going, keep pushing. Wake up everyday, feeling your heart - that beat is your purpose. Your mind might be dark but your heart is beating, your love is still there, the future is bright - even if you cant see it right now. People need you, people you haven't even met yet. Tomorrow might be bad, but there's really great days past the horizon - try to see past it. I can promise you it is worth it. The battle is long and hard, it doesn't happen overnight. I still struggle somedays to see the good, but I keep faith that it is there. All you need is a little faith, God didn't put you here by mistake. Pray to find your purpose, search for it, believe in it - believe in you. If nothing else, believe in yourself. Know that you are not alone, know that some of the brightest smiles have felt your sadness and darkness. Keep going and know the pot of gold is at the end of the rainbow, but we need the storms to come - to see the colors that lead up to happiness.