Recently I have been struggling with the so-called 'writers block'. I often feel I have little to no inspiration, but why? Well thanks to 2016 I have found that words don't have to come from 'inspiration'. Words can come from anger, from pain, from joy, from love, from regret...they can literally come from anywhere. And this is why I am thanking 2016- for revealing to me that the world won't always throw you moments of inspiration, but rather the contrary. And words will always be there to help manifest your thoughts even in times that seem wordless.
In the middle of this year I went through something very painful. At the time I felt empty inside. And what hurt me the most was that I felt like I couldn't even express my pain through the very thing that I love the most- writing. However, little did I know that the pain I felt could fuel so much more than tears and anger. Pain, both physical and emotional, is the worst feeling in the world. But now, in retrospect, the immense heartache I felt in that moment has made me so much stronger (cue cliche comment). Even now, months later, it hurts my heart to think about that time in my life. And yet, had I not felt those emotions I really wouldn't know what true pain felt like. In my opinion, that is the human experience and that is something 2016 gave to me.
A couple months later something else happened that made me lose sight of what sisterhood and empathy looked like. In that moment I felt like I was being punished. I felt abandoned. My heart hurt. I truly felt as though I had lost a glimmer in my eye because the foundation in which my college experience had been built upon had just collapsed right before my eyes. This time around I had too many words. There was so much I had to say, but no way to say it. But now, even as I write this, I see the silver lining. There are moments in life where you will be tested. The fighting words I desperately wanted to spew disappeared and turned into this. A moment of self-realization and understanding.
Finally, 2016 was the first time I experienced utter and true heartbreak. Not heartbreak for a guy, but rather heartbreak because of one. When Donald Trump became our president my heart sunk into my stomach and stayed there for days to follow. I had so many words then too...and yet I felt like I should have none because...what the hell? My heart broke for my country. My heart broke for my Filipino grandpa who, when Trump was elected, packed his suitcase because he didn't feel welcome here anymore. What broke my heart the most, however, were and are the people who still do not understand why our country is hurting. These kinds of people emit hateful and frankly ignorant words...and this is where I have found thankfulness for 2016. I do not want to look like those kinds of people. I want my words to be rooted in acceptance, empathy, and knowledge.
So today I must say thank you to 2016 for bringing me the worst and best year of my life. I have figured out how to find words in every situation. And I have found that writing informed and honest words will always anger the opposition and that is so okay! Here is to 2016: you brought the best of times and you brought the worst of times, both of which I am thankful for.
