To my worst friend,
Thank you for tearing every piece of me down so I could find the strength to rise back up. Thank you for making me fight to have you around so I could learn that you weren't worth it. Thank you for making me think less of myself so I could discover all the great things about me. Thank you for making me feel guilty so I could learn that I was never at fault in the first place.
It's been months since we said hi to each other, a year since we gave each other a genuine hug and two years since I've been able to call you a best friend. Your first mean comment turned into six, my first apology for being “annoying" turned into eight and the 10 ways I would try to make things better turned into zero. The number of fights we had in person, over text, or through other friends just got bigger and bigger, and my patience for it all got smaller. No other friendship ever made me feel so exhausted. After multiple attempts to mend the friendship that you really broke, I realized I had, had no dignity left. Whatever dignity or edge that I had was completely lost due to how low I would stoop for you.
I saw so much desperation existing in my eyes whenever I spoke to you. How desperate I was for you to be the friend you used to be. How desperate I was for you to be my shoulder to lean on again. The desperation in my eyes made me search so anxiously for who you used to be, and then I realized that the you I knew wasn't there anymore. The you that loved me and was there for me no matter what had evaporated. When you cut me out, the desperation swooped right in and turned me into a person I could not recognize. A person who lost the will to defend herself and her actions, and to this day, my blood is still boiling when I think of who I became because of our friendship.
It took me a while to accept you were gone. It felt as if I was experiencing the five stages of grief when someone dies, even though I knew I was the one who was practically dead to you. When I knew we were at the end, I denied to everyone around me that you weren't my friend anymore, even though everyone knew it was already true. I denied that you didn't care, I denied that you were mad, and I denied that I was distraught.
Once that stage ended, I went into great anger that I lost my best friend. This felt worst than a breakup from a boyfriend, and I didn't know why. All the anger I felt throughout our fights built up, which was all the anger I wish I expressed to you — I wish I could have stood up for myself, but of course, I did not. Within my stage of bargaining, I did everything I could to take the pain away. I would pray that I would never find someone like you again. I promised to never be a friend like you to the other people in my life. I was still broken when reflecting on our past, depressed when thinking about our present and hopeless about this friendship's future. Within weeks of my final tears being shed, I accepted my fate. I accepted that you were off being you, and after being so battered and torn apart by you, I could finally pick up the pieces and put myself back together.
Soon enough, we took our separate ways when I left for college. We did our half-smiles and typical head nod as a goodbye as if nothing had happened between us. As if you'd forgotten every bad feeling you made me feel and as if I'd forgotten it too, even though I hadn't. By being the worst friend I ever had, you forced me to stand on my own two feet. You taught me that not everything will stay the same, despite how much I may have wanted it to. You helped me learn how much I need to stand up for myself if I ever meet another you, which is exactly what I intend to do. In my story, you were the bad guy, and I'm grateful to be so over missing you. After it all, I've built more confidence in myself than I'd ever imagined. But of course, you wouldn't know.
Even though I never thought the villain would be you, thank you for being you. I never thought I would see our friendship slip through my fingers just like that. I never thought you'd be the one to treat me like I was invisible after I spent so much time helping you succeed. I never thought that today we'd be strangers to each other, and I do hope you're doing alright. But still, I don't see us crossing paths again anytime soon.
Sincerely,
Somebody You Used to Know
