I love you more than Leslie Knope loves Ann Perkins. However, I lack the unique complimenting ability that Ms. Knope finds herself with an abundance of skill in. When I find myself at a loss for words, I turn to the literary greats. William Shakespeare must have known that someday I would be expressing my adoration to you, coffee, when he wrote: "I do love nothing in the world so well as you — is that not strange?" —William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing."
And so, in an attempt to espresso just how much I admire and appreciate you, I have written a list of 10 things I would like to thank you for:
1. For being beautiful in all sizes and forms.
Whether you're tall and hot or venti and frozen, you are the most ravishing sight I have ever laid my unworthy, heathen eyes on.
2. For transforming me each morning from a zombie to a functional human being.
With concealer for the bags under my eyes, dry shampoo to disguise the grease in my hair and a cup of you to give me strength, I have the willpower to make it through my five classes, three meetings and endless mounds of homework. I, and everyone else I come into contact with Monday through Friday, sincerely thank you for helping me get one step closer to becoming a kind-of-adult.
3. For always adjusting to my wants and needs.
I want an extra shot? You oblige. I ask for soy milk? You don't complain. Coffee, you are the most selfless substance I have ever met. Unlike alcohol, who I swear is always looking out for her own personal agenda, you always have my best interest at heart.
4. For introducing me to new people.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. . .d coffee. Whether it be the first of many friendship dates or a nerve-wracking professional meeting, you are always the middle-man that I am eternally grateful for. You, coffee, are never a third-wheel.
5. For staying up with me all night without judgment.
You know very well that I waited until 7 p.m. on a Sunday night to start my homework, even though I had the entire weekend to do so and I chose to finish the last season of "The Office" instead. My friends, teachers and even myself might — and probably will — judge me. But not you, coffee.
6. For being a cherished staple of my holidays and seasons.
My first pumpkin-flavored coffee of the fall season is a moment to remember. It gives me hope and excitement about all the new beginnings and endings that await me. When I travel to my hometown to watch the Christmas parade as the stringed lights in the park turn on for the first time, I always make sure to grab a peppermint coffee from the coffee shop where you and I first fell in love. You are with me through all the milestones, coffee in one hand and a camera in the other.
7. For igniting my new found love of collecting mugs.
If you think about it, mugs are pretty much the coffee version of clothes. If spoiling you with an assortment of mugs in a variety of shapes, colors and sizes is wrong, then I don't want to be right. Even if I take you black, I'll always be your sugar daddy, coffee.
8. For bringing my friends and I closer together.
Whether it be a quick drive-thru run, a study session or a sit-down trip at the nearest Starbucks, you have graciously provided my friends and me with the perfect opportunity to catch up on not only our lives but our caffeine intake for the day. My grande Skinny Vanilla Latte with soy milk might be a bit overpriced, but the conversations between friends are priceless.
9. For your silent support while I sit and reflect.
You let me hold you and take sip after sip from you as I ponder about the miscellaneous troubles of life. No matter if it is over what I have to do for that day or what I am going to do with the rest of my life, you always give me the chance to stop, sit down and take a coffee break.
10. For tasting delicious.
And I will defend your honor against anyone who disagrees, coffee.
'Til death do us part, coffee. I hope we're still on for our 9:00 a.m. date tomorrow. Like always, it's on me.
Your Not-So-Secret Admirer.