The past two years have been brutal, in a lot of ways. As we all recover from the campaign and election processes, I remind you, this is not a time for division. This is a time for unity. There is one very serious issue that must be addressed, and this is something all Americans, Trump and Hillary supporters alike, can get behind. The election has uncovered something absolutely and unquestionably wrong with America, and it has to do directly with one of our presidential candidates.
This election exposed Ted Cruz as the Zodiac Killer.
I know what you’re thinking, that that was just a rumor that went around during his campaign. Maybe you’re thinking, “This makes no sense, the Zodiac Killer was a serial killer in the 1960s, Ted Cruz wasn’t even born yet.” These are very good points. But look at this picture.
This is clearly a picture of Nicolas Cage in 1864. If Nicolas Cage can stay the same age for centuries, who knows how long Ted Cruz has been alive?
As you can see in the above tweet, Ted Cruz was doing everything in his power to tell us that he was the Zodiac Killer. America, I ask you, how could we have let this man run for President? And how has he not been arrested for these crimes? I, my friends, have a theory.
In an election where it was constantly impossible to distinguish Saturday Night Live sketches from real life, Ted Cruz, a washed up Zodiac Killer, was feeling threatened. Not by sexism, homophobia, Islamophobia, or racism, no. Our friend Ted was threatened by the idea that this Trump guy was scaring more people than he had back in the 1960s when he was still the Zodiac killer. So, he changed his own Wikipedia page (see above photograph) to spread a rumor about himself. CruZodiac was hoping that someone would give him some attention, that someone would care enough to say, “Hey guys! I think one of these presidential candidate guys is a serial killer!” Unfortunately, with all of the twists and turns and vomit-inducing moments of the 2016 election, many of the presidential candidates fell into the “potential serial killer” category. Not even being the Zodiac Killer could save Ted Cruz, and America turned a blind-eye to the obvious cry for help from CruZodiac.
America, this is inexcusable. Now that the election is over, I call for unity. Unity for the sake of the country, unity for the sake of our children and our futures, but most importantly, unity in bringing Ted Cruz, the Zodiac Killer, to justice. If you believe that nothing else good came out of this election, just remember this: at one point in Florida, it was recorded that 38% of voters believed that it was possible for Ted Cruz to be the Zodiac Killer.
It is my belief, my fellow Americans, that we can raise that number to 100%. Let’s bring the Zodiac Killer to justice once and for all, let’s make Ted Cruz relevant again, if only to boost his ego, and, most importantly, let’s never let Florida make any important decisions ever again.
