Dear someone who contributed to my low self-esteem,
I noticed it even when it was so subtle. Your eyes. Looking at me like that. In a wave of disappointment. I couldn’t just fit in. I couldn’t keep the peace. I couldn’t act like the other girls that you favored. I couldn’t be pretty like them. I couldn’t make nice with the popular boys. I couldn’t sit with them at lunch. I couldn’t walk the halls without someone laughing at me. Sometimes, I couldn’t even turn in homework without tear stains on them from the night before. I couldn’t do anything right it seemed. I knew you didn’t particularly like me either, and I used to blame myself for how other people like you felt about me. Not anymore. Not like that.
You probably thought I forgot about these things, but I didn’t no matter how much I tried. Maybe some teachers don’t notice how their actions affect their students, but I can tell you that my classmates knew you’d give them the benefit of the doubt every time. I’m not going to blame you for how they treated me. That’s not fair, but I am going to blame you for not listening to me when I told you I wasn't okay.
You told me nicely that kids are just kids. I just needed to be more open with them and then maybe they would like me. I was young, so I listened to you. I was the kid, and you were the adult. Maybe I was imagining everything I was feeling.
It started getting worse. I tried to ask you for help because I needed it. I figured they would listen to you. I knew deep down I wasn’t healthy, but I figured I was too young to feel this way. I tried to tell you about the cyberbullying. I wanted to tell you that I had already researched all the ways to kill myself and decided on the least painful one. Oh did I try to make you listen to me, but you chose to believe in gum drop rainbows and fairy skies. You chose to look away. Looking back on it, I don’t know why I never asked anyone else, but like you said, I was young. What did I know?
Well, I knew nothing. At least you made me feel that way. I don’t know what I ever did to give you the impression that I would never succeed. Maybe you never wanted me to. I hated that you made me feel like I was the problem. When you made us all describe everyone in our class, you got upset when I couldn’t think of nice things to say about some of them as if I was the bully. Well, what do you say about people that make you hate yourself? I’m sorry. I really tried to pretend, but I wasn’t imagining everything I was feeling, was I? A child always knows when he or she is not wanted. I spent a lot of time looking in the mirror wondering how I could fix myself and had no luck. I thought I was the problem.
Do you remember graduation? You told me you wanted to keep in touch to see where I end up in life. We exchanged emails and every few months I would write to you. Maybe you had a change of heart.
I wrote to you about how I made friends and had a nice boyfriend. I told you that I planned on majoring in engineering, and I never heard from you. Well, only once to say you’ve been busy. I’m sure you were. I wasn’t surprised to find out later that you were definitely running all over the place to keep in touch with everyone else.
It must have shocked you when I came to see you four years later. I wanted to let you know that I had gotten into one of the best engineering schools in the country. I had a plan, and I had a life to live. I never attempted committing suicide in case you were wondering.
I remembered that face, and it wasn’t so subtle this time. Your eyes. Looking at me like that. In a wave of resentment. You immediately tried to put me down and frankly, I don’t understand why a teacher would not like a former student of theirs to have done well. Now, I’m going to say what I should’ve said when I last saw you.
Your job is to teach a generation to be better than the last. You’re supposed to want all your students to succeed no matter how you personally feel about them. You’re supposed to be wiser. You’re supposed to be a role model. You were supposed to be a lot of things to me. You weren’t.
I have had plenty of teachers in my lifetime who believed in me. When they asked me about my future plans, they weren’t even surprised. They were proud of me. They were everything that a teacher should be. You weren’t. Just know that I don't hate you. I wish you well. I just wish you were proud of me too, but it's okay. I think I turned out alright anyway.
Sincerely,
Someone who realized she was never the problem
**If you or someone you know is considering committing suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or visit https://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/ in order to find a facility near you.**
