In honor of breasts everywhere.
October is one of the few months women actually welcome the idea of having their breasts looked at. Do not be surprised when a woman stops you and says, "My eyes are down here." Of course, I am speaking of Breast Cancer Awareness Month . For those who are bearing the weight of this disease or know a family member or friend who is or has, here is lighthearted memorandum on those mammary glands.
1. Breasts come in different shapes and sizes.Giphy
Small, medium, large, large and in charge, breasts come in a variety of shapes and sizes. It is also normal for one breast to be larger than the other. You can thank your momma for that, but do not worry. Whether you think they are too tiny or too big, no one is giving them a second thought. Hang them low, hang them high, you get to flaunt those snowflakes any way you want.
2. Breasts are milk-producing muscles.Giphy
Despite what you heard, the breasts are not primarily made of fat. Their are connective, fibrous tissues with glands and ducts that provide milk through the nipples. After a certain age though, they run dry and become fat. This gives you enough time to tell those Got Milk? ads to give your milk jugs a spotlight for a change.
3. Breasts can grow and shrink.Giphy
Gaining weight or losing weight could increase or decrease the size of your breasts. Depending on the amount of fatty tissue present, breast size will vary. A number of other factors take part in the size of your chesticles as well. Pregnancy, periods, breast-feeding, sex. A certain Italian plumber cannot compete with these motherly magic mushrooms.
4. Breasts like to move it, move it.Giphy
We all know breasts cannot help fighting gravity during exercise. The example that comes to mind and once in a while appears running down the sidewalk is a jogger with her gal pals running away from her, up to eight inches away from her. That is right, breasts will wander away from you with a mind of their own in a figure eight path. When you go for a workout, make sure you are wearing a sports bra.
5. Breasts are the other windows to the soul.Giphy
If a man is staring at your boobs, that is its own compliment. Of course, if you think about it, it could be that your boobs are staring at him. They do look like eyes and they are mesmerizing enough to get lost in. Enough to lose sight of your personality, even your entire body. You cannot help it that they are the first part of you that walks into a room. They mean business and so do you.
6. Men can get breast cancer too.Giphy
Women are not the only ones who can contract breast cancer. With genetics playing a factor, aging, benign breast issues, radiation and estrogen exposure, and alcohol consumption can lead to breast cancer in both women and men. Treat those puppies in the pet shop window right and get a screening to catch any early signs, my sisters and brothers.
7. Breast drooping is due to smoking, not breastfeeding.Giphy
If you smoke, the elasticity or elastin in your breasts will suffer and create drooping breasts. Breastfeeding will only increase the size of your breasts. Do your breasts a favor and put down the cancer on a stick and pick up a baby to feed instead.
8. Nipples can be inverted, which is normal.Giphy
Inverted nipples are a response to bonding underlying tissue to the base of the nipples. They can be inverted in either direction and are not usually a cause for alarm. They can in some instances be a sign of breast cancer, where a tumor has pulled the tissue of the nipple in an inverted direction.
9. Breasts can change color.Giphy
No, breasts are not the female mood ring, but the menstrual cycle is (joking). Breasts, for instance, can become red or redder after sex while a breastfeeding midwife or nurse would have blue breasts, and in old age, black-colored breasts. Taste the rainbow, but do not overdue it.
10. Breasts have gotten larger over the years.Giphy
United States breasts to be exact. In the last few decades, bra size has went from a 34B to a 34DD. That means a lot more than 80 days around the world, or two worlds with two lonely islands.
11. Breast sagging is going to happen.Giphy
If it is not old age, there is plenty of ways your boobs will fall to the floor eventually. Mother nature's gravity will be happy to help that fall. Smoking again brings its toll and so does sleep. Avoid sleeping on your stomach to prevent premature sagging and changes to the shape of your breasts, ladies.
12. Third nipples exist.
Less than 7% of the world's population has a third nipple, that is, extra breast tissue. Lactation and menstruation sensitivity is also a possibility. Two is company, three is a crowd, and what a crowd-pleaser a third makes too.
13. Breast augmentation is common.Giphy
Breast enlargement is the most popular form of plastic surgery in the United States. While it costs an arm and a leg, the procedure has been keeping strong since its first breast implant in 1962. Silicone, natural, whatever makes you feel beautiful and comfortable with your breasts is a kind investment.
14. Breasts are special to humans.Giphy
Unlike other animals whose breasts grow only when they breastfeed, humans' breasts are permanent and continue to grow and change over time. Breasts start development long before puberty and grow larger during menstruation and pregnancy. How is that for an adaptation, Darwin? How do you like them apples, Newton?
15. Breasts have four types of nipples.Giphy
Inverted is only one of four types of nipples. There are particularly perky or protruding nipples that look like a rocket exiting our atmosphere to discover new nipples. There are flat nipples for when you need a smooth, even landing. Puffy nipples, lastly, provide a plush cushion for those rough bouts of rubbing. Like their breasts, nipples all have their perks.
16. Breasts can weigh between one and two pounds.Giphy
That is just an average though. Breasts look like eyes but that is not their only optical illusion. Some breasts are small but weigh more than they look. Imagine carrying around a pair of melons or a loaf of bread attached to your chest. That is what it is like having breasts.
17. Breastfeeding is good brain food.Giphy
Mother's milk supports brain development in babies earlier and faster in infancy. Improvements in cognitive skills such as environmental awareness, language-speaking, and motor control follow in breastfed babies. Plus, you can breastfeed a baby for up to six months before solid food is introduced. Do not think twice about it, give suck to a babbler and turn him or her into a Shakespeare or Woolf!
18. Bra size matters too.Giphy
The breast can change up to six times in a woman's life. The problem women face is the wrong bra size. Bras are often too large in the cup, making the breasts disproportionate and less firm and lifted. It is important to wear the right size bra to accommodate the changes in your breasts; wearing the next size down is recommended.
19. Breasts have a special scent.Giphy
Only babies can smell the Montgomery's glands or tiny bumps on the areola or ring of color surrounding the nipples. They smell of amniotic fluid, aiding the baby in finding the source of the breast milk. Pretty sweet deal.
20. Breasts live in infamy.Giphy
From sex symbols to actresses, no one can ignore a healthy pair of shining stars. Marilyn Monroe, Brigitte Bardot, Dolly Parton, the list goes on and will continue no doubt. That is not to say their busts are the most important assets. We just noticed is all and kept at it long enough to capture it for future reference. A timeline of teats for the horny historian.
21. Breasts are pieces of art.Giphy
Body art and bedazzling on top of the curves and lines of the female form makes for double the beauty. Some women in their maternity get their stomach's painted but have painted their entire bodies for pregnancy photoshoots. It is just another way to express your body while being half-nude at the same time.
22. Breasts can look larger with makeup.Giphy
If you have not outgrown stuffing your bra with tissue paper, it is time for a more helpful alternative with makeup. Take some bronzer, and coat it over the shadows and dark areas of your breasts; the cleavage will be the place to do it. If you want to grab some glow, use highlighter and contour them. Voilà! Your breasts now look fuller than a bronze statue.
23. Breasts can go braless.Giphy
There is nothing wrong with letting your boobs getting some breathing room. In fact, it is better every once in a while to have them hang loose for a while. If you are worried about having it look like your smuggling raisins under your shirt, no worries. Nipple concealers, like New Delhi and Krunchals, work wonders.
24. Breast massages are the best.Giphy
A breast massage creates circulation of new blood and keeps your immune system detoxed and running smoothly. Tenderness and swelling is reduced and emotional and sensual stability is increased as well. You do not have to go to a spa for a full-body massage either. You can massage them at home yourself since no one knows your girls like you do.
25. Breasts are great for foreplay and roleplay.Giphy
Face it, you are hungry like the wolf and so is the significant other you have or are after. Nothing like a striptease or a topless surprise to curve each other's appetites. You feel sexy for acknowledging your boobs and what they can do for your partner too.
26. Breasts need their own photo op.Giphy
Whether you want to send nudes, that is your call, but some women like to photograph themselves and their youth when they still have it. Think of it as a nice mammary slash memory scrapbook, just for you.
27. Breasts are Mother Nature's fruits.Giphy
Know that your breasts are natural and normal no matter their size or shape. There is nothing wrong with getting breast enhancements to make them feel natural and normal either. Whatever breasts your working with, celebrate them.
28. Breasts are best friends.Giphy
Sometimes we do not think about them or even take them for granted, but there are some women who have no choice but to fight for them and themselves. From one breast friend to another, consider giving a donation to support research and women for Breast Cancer Awareness month. In the meantime, check your breasts personally or get checked professionally.
29. Breasts can have nicknames.Giphy
Men have nicknames for their ball-peen hammers (Ping and Pong, Gonzo, Mr. Johnson and the Juice Crew, etc.) but your lovely ladies need nicknames too. They could be innocent names with a hint of sultry like, Thumbelina and Princess Areola. Have fun with your new bosom buddies.
30. Breasts have many medical names.Giphy
Mast-o for mastectomy, mamm-o for mammography, and a historical and badass name, maz-o, which means "amazon" or "without a breast." Maz-o comes from the Brazilian female warriors of the Amazon who, legend says, cut off their breasts to improve their archery. A bit drastic, maybe Rambo-level drastic, but still badass.
31. Breasts also have 99 names.
Well, 99 words for boobs but it is the thought that counts. The amount of metaphors for a body part is remarkable. Double Whoppers, Ta-tas, there is plenty to choose from. Picasso's squares is my personal favorite word for boobs. I suggest you brush up on your breast vocabulary, you never know when you will be met by a pair of Elmer Fudds.
Breasts are the best, so let us keep them that way.