Transferring high schools can be the most difficult triumph in a young person’s life. Robin Williams once stated, “I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.” This was ultimately the case for me.

I left a school where my graduating class was 705 and was thrown into a school with less than 300 students total. Adding to my new smaller world was the fact that the new school was a private Catholic-affiliated high school. My uniform did not fit me quite right — I was only 5’8” and 300 pounds, and I was not Catholic.

Not to mention that this new society was offended, appalled, and annoyed with my blunt, walled-off nature, and profane language. This new school was so sheltered and different from my public school; this was ironic because this small school opened my entire worldview.

I was never super close to God. My family never enforced or discussed a religious identity. Honestly, my religious identity never mattered to me until I entered a school where we wore ties (which I could not tie) and said “Our Father” before class. I was full of innocence, and I was in a world where all eyes were on me for negative reasons.

I will never forget the first day of school because I ate lunch in the bathroom. I had seen this happen before in movies, but I never imagined that it would happen to me. I was a football player at my other school; I had tons of friends. It was so different to me that for once I was the weird kid everyone disliked. That reputation of weird spread like wildfire and the whole school became engulfed with this hatred of me.

My friends that I thought were lifelong brothers forgot me. As I faded from the rearview mirror, they turned different directions without any of us making an effort to stay family. I realized that for the first time in my life I was disliked, alone, and forgotten.

It is a liberating and nasty feeling to realize that you are so small. I was no longer essential to the school. I was no longer important to the people that I had made a priority in my life. As I sat alone in that stall munching away at my bologna sandwich, I realized that the only person who had my back was me.

Then, one afternoon I had a revelation. I can not describe it. I can not explain it. It is an understanding that you realize within yourself. I reached mine through a crying rage after class one day. I drove to a secluded place, and with tears falling from my face, I fell to my knees in an open field where I watched as water fell around me. I looked up to the sky, gray and dark, “Why, God? Why do you make me suffer so,” I cried the words from my lips. Hysterically angry with myself and my actions I told myself how bad of a person I was in my past. I thought about the young teens I picked on, and the people that I was rude to for no reason. I was berating myself when I suddenly felt a calming, and I suddenly felt okay. I understood why. God had tried to show me before.

I had ignored him. God knew that I had to experience it to understand it. He was showing me how important it is to be a good and loving person. I cried as I prayed for forgiveness, and I stayed kneeling for hours on that ground. My uniform pants muddy at the knees and my white shirt now transparent, I stood up knowing that I had been forgiven. I remember standing and glancing at the mountains for a long time. I was in awe of God, and I was in awe of how He taught me a lesson.

I have no proof of my being forgiven; I have no physical evidence. All I can tell you is that I felt joy and completeness for the first time in my life. It was a different joy from anything I had ever felt, and I no longer felt the aching hole in my heart. I contacted the people that I had been so heinous too, and I was lucky enough to receive forgiveness from most of them. I am proud to say that I am still friends with most of these individuals today.

Soon after, I began to make friends. I began to find happiness within myself. I started to accept my flaws, and I began to understand who I am as a person. There is no greater gift than self-acceptance. My life started to improve drastically. It was incredible.

If you take away one aspect from my faith story let it be this:

We are all fighting battles. We are all fighting demons. You can be the angel to help someone. It does not matter where you are from or what you have done. You can always help someone; you can always make someone else’s life better. Even something as small as a smile could improve someone’s day.

I do my best to be a light for everyone who may be experiencing the dark path that I walked. Walking around in the dark while you are lost is the best way to find yourself. Keep walking. Do not stop now. You have wandered this far in wonder. Find the answers you are looking for.