At the kitchen table for dinner after a long day of hustle and bustle—comfortable. “Sweat pants, hair tied, chillin’ with no makeup on”—comfortable. The most personally intimate moments of our lives are spent in comfort. So why is it that “comfortable” isn’t good enough when we add a new factor (specifically a love-interest) to our lives?
I love myself. At my most comfortable moments and in my Sunday best, I am confident and strong and bold. In my flaws I find beauty, and in my words and actions, that beauty is exemplified.
But then I met you.
The “me” that I loved and adored suddenly wasn’t good enough anymore. It’s like when I answered the door to welcome you into my house for our first date, I also welcomed doubt, insecurity, and self-consciousness to grab a seat on the couch between us. The “me” who wears sweatpants and XXL t-shirts, with subpar eyebrows and a far from perfect smile—the “me” who I’d always been and felt happy being—was questioning all of the times my mom said I was beautiful because in that moment, I felt anything but beautiful. I couldn’t find the words to say to you, I couldn’t find an outfit that I thought was good enough for you, and for some reason my hair never looked worse than it did that day.
WHY! WHY do I have an absolutely unnerving desire to be everything but myself for you? WHY do I insist on changing the “me” who I’ve always been so comfortable as to fit standards that I don’t even know you have? Without even saying a word, you’ve crippled me with feelings of dissatisfaction and angst—feelings that I’d never even met before now.
You packed up and left a long time ago, but doubt, insecurity, and self-consciousness still have dinner at my house about 37 times a week. Usually, I serve them and send them on their way, but sometimes they stick around a while and remind me of you. Occasionally, they taunt me while I remove my makeup and brush the naturally frizzy mop on my head. On the best days, though, they ring the doorbell and no one answers. Slowly but surely, the “me” who I once loved and adored is making her return.
Your damage may be permanent, but my sweatpants are comfortable.
