1. We don't want to be seen as "one of those girls"

I don't even know if there's one clear description of what it means to be "one of those girls." All I know is that we as women are afraid to be something society doesn't want us to be because who knows what kind of consequences we'll have to face. When it comes to speaking up about sexual assault, the stakes are even higher.

We will be put into a box of those girls people "can't have any fun with" because we're a "tease" or we're only going to "call wolf" when we don't like something.

2. We know people won't believe us

Too often I hear the phrase, "Well, you don't have any evidence." Do you really need to hear evidence to believe someone is telling the truth about something they never wanted to bring up in the first place? Oftentimes the only evidence is held in text messages, Snapchats, eyewitnesses, and the survivor and assaulter themselves. Video cameras aren't positioned everywhere, so there's never going to be a way to completely "prove" whether something happened or not.

Survivors of other crimes without video evidence are listened to and believed. Why is it not the same for survivors of sexual assault?

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/30/us/sexual-harassment-weinstein-women.html

3. We are scared we'll be punished for speaking up 

As seen all too often when women speak up about assaulters who are famous in some way (i.e. TV anchor, movie star, football player), we take a lot of backlash for standing up for ourselves when it comes to sexual assault. Heaven forbid a famous person is called out for breaking the law and actually punished for it. Instead, the survivor is usually the one who takes all of the hateful comments from the famous person's supporters.

Even if our assaulter isn't famous, their friends seek us out and bully us physically, virtually, or emotionally. A lie is not worth this kind of lifelong pain.

4. We're told we were "asking for it"

Tell me if any of these phrases sound familiar: "What were you wearing?" or "Why didn't you say no?" or "Did you say anything to lead him on?" or "Why were you out that late?"

The last thing we need after going through something horrifyingly traumatizing is someone telling us we "had it coming."

5. It's our word against theirs 

Speaking up means being vulnerable with your experiences and a part of us we probably never thought we would share. We are also making the assaulter vulnerable in the process which can aggravate them. And who are the typically powerful white males going to believe when they just want to cover up the situation? Usually the angry young assaulter.

When it's word against word, it really comes down to who will win the so-called shouting match.

6. Victim blaming is real 

More often than not, we as women grow up being taught that we should give in to advances we don't welcome; whether we try to fight back against our assaulters or not, we are typically the ones blamed for either doing too little or doing too much. It seems as if there is no happy medium to please everyone and prove to them we aren't lying. Victim blaming is real and harmful.

For the record, I'm not a fan of the term "victim" to describe sexual assault survivors. But this phrase doesn't make sense without the term.

7. People take pity on the assaulter 

Since survivors are usually seen as liars, the assaulters are usually pitied for being falsely accused. Sometimes people believe us, but they may still take pity on the assaulter because they "just wanted a few minutes of action." (Case in point, Brock Turner.)

These are not valid excuses but are usually taken as such because people take pity on the assaulter.

8. We will be shamed for standing up for ourselves 

As I've been reiterating, survivors are often labeled as liars despite any evidence or testimonies. We are told, "Shame on you! How dare you lie and blame someone for something that's your fault?" We know that this will happen at least once if we speak up about our traumas.

Why would we lie if we know we will be put to shame in front of our friends and loved ones?

9. The assaulter claims to be "unaware" or "naive"

The assaulter may claim they didn't know what they were doing in the moment. Sometimes, this may be true; however, most of the time, the assaulter knows exactly what they were doing and simply does not want to own up to their actions.

Being unaware is not an excuse. It is a way to cover up the true criminal nature of sexual assault.

10. We don't want other women to go through the same thing 

Some assaulters have multiple offenses. We know that other women can be assaulted by the same person, and we don't want that to happen. We speak up so that other women do not have to go through the same trauma we did. We simply want to save them from a criminal.

The only way to (hopefully) guarantee safety for other women is speaking up.

11. We're afraid someone will tell us we should've done more 

We have so often heard that we need to "say no multiple times" as if one time wasn't enough. Or we hear we should've "pushed the assaulter off of us." We should've "run away" or "carried pepper spray" or "called the police right after it happened." Like any difficult situation, however large of an understatement that is when it comes to sexual assault, sometimes you just freeze in the moment and can't think of what to do. All prior training leaves your head. You can't move or even think.

We did what we could in the moment.

12. Usually, the assaulter wins 

We know this. It's no secret that the courts, and other people, usually tend to side with the assaulter in sexual assault cases.

Why would we speak up if we know the odds are against us - that we will probably lose and be called a liar?