Thanksgiving. A time for gathering and giving thanks with family members of all qualities. This ranges from that uncle who steals a fork and a spoon here and there at any social gathering, to that dim-witted distant cousin who always makes you question your relation to them. While those two are examples of the struggles, hopefully you have others you look forward to seeing. If not, this is a guide to surviving turkey day.
Step One: Play Mute
If you cannot get away with not speaking the whole time, then pretend you have a sore throat and cannot speak much. We all know that the most common form of disturbance in the family force field is by vocalizing your differences. While this step might make your evening dull and boring, at least you will get to judge others silently and everyone will not hate you at the same time. It is truly a win-win.
Step Two: Drinks
if you are able to access the alcohol, go for it while it is still readily available. The deeper you go into the night, the greater risk of the alcohol being gone when you need it the most. So, grab the closest bottle of wine and hide it under the sink in the bathroom. You'll need it.
Step Three: Pit Stops
Visit the bathroom as much as possible for reasons stated in Step Two.
Step Four: Tunes
You may as well bring in some relaxing music and hide that under the sink also. Maybe even a snack too.
Step Five: Save For Later
Take your plate of dinner in with you. Too many people are surrounding you at the table, eye balling your choice of socks and hair tie. Judgement is descending; best to make a break for it before the pitch forks are sharpened. Side note, you might feel like you are in high school again avoiding school bullies by eating in classrooms or bathroom stalls; do not be discouraged, the horrors outside are worse.
Step Six: Exfoliate
Take a bath while you are in there while at it. A very, very, long bath to make the evening more bearable. (Optional: if you see any poor dogs, cats, or any furry friends being poked and prodded by little children, horde them all in the bathroom with you and offer left overs from dinner to them to ease them after their traumatic experience).
Step Seven: Sober Up
Make sure you are sober and timely enough to say goodbyes at the proper time to show that you were indeed there the whole time.
Step Eight: Social Media
Make a Facebook post telling them how great of a time you had and how your step aunt's hair looks fabulous. Bonus points if you take a lovely photo with said aunt.
All jokes aside, I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving. And remember to not go full rampage on shopping later that night to hold on to that plasma television with a death grip. Nothing screams giving thanks like elbowing an elderly woman in the stomach for that new sofa at two A.M. in the morning. Ah, consumerism, the expression of love.
