When I was a senior in high school, I went through a massive depression. Now who the hell wants to read about that? I know you don’t. But hey, don’t worry, this isn’t my disgusting sob story or crying session…this is the story of how I became a Sun Worshiper.
It started when I moved to the state of Indiana. I was 9, and weird, and creepy, so when it came time to choose my room I promptly squeaked, “the basement!” Now, for those of you who’re unfamiliar with holes in the ground, they are routinely dark -- and the basement was no exception. And if you’ve never visited the land of corn, then good for you. Stay the hell away. It’s the darkest, gloomiest state in our union.
So there I was, 9 years old, scouring the blackened spaces of our basement under the ominous gloom of Indiana grey. I loved it. I’ve always known myself to be an isolationist, even at 9 years old, and the basement was as desolate and isolated as possible. I lived alone in a world of my own, a world underground -- my dungeon. As Dungeon Master, I proudly maintained the darkened pitch. I kept the lights off at all times and strained my eyes against the LCD screen of my television, pushing deeper into the video games I played. Then came my crippling addiction to Dark Souls.
When I discovered Dark Souls, I was a sophomore in high school. By the time I was a senior, I’d logged nearly 700 hours of playtime in the game. That’s a total of 29 days. In two years I’d amassed almost a month’s worth of time spent hunched over a controller in complete isolation under total darkness; (come at me, scrublords). In the winter of my senior year, at the height of my social isolation and Dark Souls addiction, I got really sad.
I came to find out I was experiencing Seasonal Affective Disorder (colloquially known as SAD). Whoever thought up the term is a brilliant asshole. Anyway, my symptoms were extreme lack of motivation, fatigue, general sadness -- things like that. Can you guess who I turned to in my time of need? Yep, that’s right, Mom. I went crying to my mother, or rather, collapsed at her feet in a fit of tears. She held me tight, looked at me with a scowl and said, “It would be you that got my ‘crazy genes.'”
Next thing I knew, I was sitting across from a shrink learning about the causes and effects of SAD. The number one cause was lack of sunlight. Sh*t. The number one effect was depressive symptoms. Double sh*t. The number one way out of this sunlight-deprived-depression was climbing out of the basement. Triple sh*t. Spoiler: I did it. I worked through my sadness, cut through it like a black knight with a mighty great sword. And I did it with Dark Souls.
I know this seems sort of backwards. Wasn’t Dark Souls partially responsible for putting me in this situation? Yes, it was. Thing is, that which nearly destroyed me also led to my salvation.
There is a most beloved character in Dark Souls named Solaire of Astora. His mission, in the game, is to find enlightenment amidst his dying world in the form of the Sun (which may come off as crazy but believe me when I say he is genuinely the friendliest Non-Playable Character in gaming history).
On a less bromantic note, I took this theme of praising the sun and applied it to my own life. Instead of shutting myself in the dungeon depths all day, I frequently bathed in sunlight. My condition improved, and the more time I spent sun-dipping, the better I felt.
These days I have a personal, kumbaya relationship with the sun. Every now and then I’ll step outside and throw my arms up in a ‘V’ to proclaim my eternal servitude. You could almost think of it as a religious devotion...almost. For me it's more than that, and less. I worship the sun for saving me from sadness, but I'll never pray to it. The sun is my friend, and friends don't feed each other bullsh*t.
