Lethargy

Summer break and I have not always had the best relationship with each other.
Like, on occasion,
I actually developed a deep-seeded loathing for it because
summer has often taken away what fall through spring have to offer me every year,

variety.

During the school semesters, there are so many opportunities
to be around and meet so many people,
hang out with old and new friends,
learn about and do so many new and incredible things
that there I don't really have time to get bored,
or realize just how lonely I can get.

Until it hits me like a truck I didn't see
coming around the corner.

So, tell me,
what do you do, where do you go,
when you have to leave that place of adventure
and intentional community and newness?

Or, when you feel like that kind of community
is slowly leaving you?

I get it.
I do.

Doing anything and going anywhere else
can sound so much better than going back
to your hometown.

And in my case,
It has overly manicured lawns,
community playgrounds where nannies go to cry,
secrets easily hidden in drywall
covered up by smiling family photos,
garage sales where people sell their cleverly disguised dirty laundry
and get paid for it,
where I can feel like I'm stuck on a treadmill,
going nowhere, getting absolutely exhausted

and where I always feel like a stranger in a foreign land.

For three summers in a row,
being as busy as I could while I was there became my smoke screen
to mask the raw and aching loneliness I felt.
I did whatever I could to distract myself from facing it.

It helped a little, but outside of work
I didn't really interact with people.

And I mean, it's a little difficult to feel motivated to do that
when you become convinced that people don't truly want to be around you
because their lack of intentionality and following through on actually meeting with you
speaks so much louder
than the niceties said in your infrequent but polite conversations.

And I mean, why would I?
Think people want to be with me, I mean?
Want to connect with to do life with, and truly know me, I mean?

When actions often speak louder than words
and unspoken words often say more than those spoken
it can be so easy to become discouraged, disheartened,

and disappointed.

Yet, I craved it.
Yet, we crave it,
human connection, I mean.

Really real, true and authentic interaction, I mean.
Right?

The kind of deep connections you make when you find people
who truly care just as much about you as you do about them,
and whose words and actions reflect that.

Frequent, hour-long conversations, about fears, and accomplishments, and personal growth,
and hard-won victories, grace-covered failures, restored hope and joy, and newness of life
that took mentally crawling through the muck and the mire with God to get to
and I realized

that in the past I had been so quick
to place all of the blame for my loneliness
on other people for not reaching out to me
when I had been, and still can be, just as guilty
of inaction and not pursuing my own friends.

I often didn't realize how so much of my own unhappiness and frustration with life
was born out of my own self-sabotage.

You see,
when your heart is natural at wandering,
wondering,
wanting more than what God's given you in the season you find yourself in,
you waste so much time with wishful thinking.

Believe me, I know. I've been there.
For three summers in a row, I was there.

Restlessness and weariness have both had me on speed dial
for years.
They showed up at the most inconvenient times
and insisted on throwing a party inside my heart.

I constantly felt like I've had
this itch I just couldn't scratch right,
a word stuck on the tip of my tongue
but could never quite remember what it was,
the tune of a song stuck in my head
but I never found or remembered the right words.

It was maddening.

And for me, the days of summer
often felt more like a prison sentence than a reprieve.

And believe me, I prayed.

I prayed and pleaded with God that these demons would stop
finding the cracks in my armor
but how could they
when I was the one who kept showing them where the weaknesses in it are?

I know I have been my own worst enemy.
And I know I have to be more conscientious about making better choices.

But I also know that when I've had to go back to an environment that's been
toxic
to my heart and my mind and there's been no physical way to leave that place yet
I find myself able to identify a lot more with a bird in a cage with clipped wings.

Even if that wretched wire door becomes unlocked
it still wouldn't be able to fly away to freedom

and feeling trapped is something I am way too familiar with,
and I have had such a hard time of understanding why.

Why God allows me,
allows anyone,
to return to places
where we feel like we're suffocating when He knows we are
aching to return to a place where we can soar above the thunderous rain clouds

And yet, even in the middle of it all,
I still know,
I still believe,
that He is GOOD.

I can't deny that.
The evidence of His goodness in my life is overwhelming.
And even in spite of all of the chaos I feel surrounded by,

I'm thankful.

I'm thankful that when I have felt lethargic, apathetic, and angry
that God is OK with me being mad at Him.
I'm thankful that God is OK with me screaming at Him and shaking my fists in frustration
I'm thankful that God doesn't condemn me when I don't understand His reasoning for things.
And even if He never tells me the reasons for why I experience certain seasons of life,

I still trust Him.
Because I trust Him way more than I trust myself.

So the question is,
do you?