Content warning: This article contains descriptions of rape/sexual assault and suicide.

If you have lost someone to suicide, firstly I am so sorry. Secondly, it is in no way your fault. People who die by suicide are suffering in ways many people cannot fathom, and if you are not aware of the signs you could not have known what to do. And even if you knew the signs, it is still not your fault.

That being said, all we can do is use the knowledge we have to do our best, and when we know better we do better. Suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the U.S, and the second leading cause for ages 10-34. Suicide is a national concern, and we must treat it as such.

I first struggled with suicidal ideation, thinking about, considering, or planning suicide, my freshman year of college. A few weeks after being raped, which at the time I did not realize even was rape, I truly thought it would be better to end my life. I was lying in bed in the fetal position sobbing, having yet to take any action when my roommate came home. She didn't acknowledge my crying, I took a shower and went to bed and didn't think about suicide again that school year.

I walked around in a fog for months after that. I didn't even realize the pain I was in because I buried it so deep within me. Spoiler alert: that is not a good idea and will make everything worse when you finally deal with it. It wasn't until I attended a spring break trip with a campus ministry called Cru and met people who really loved Jesus and let his love for them determine their identities that I realized I was not living that way and that I wanted to. I was letting my worth and identity be defined by people and what they thought of me, and it was making me into someone I didn't want to be.

This realization and shift in how I defined myself led me to spend the summer between my sophomore and junior year on a Cru Summer Mission. It was during that summer that God began to reveal the hurt and trauma to me for what it really was and I began to process it with a counselor.

Upon returning to school in the fall I quickly realized that the loving community I had experienced that summer would not be the same at school. Cru at NC State is about 1,000 students and the ones who had been in Clearwater with me were spread out in different groups within that 1,000. I quickly began to put my worth in what people thought of me again. Spoiler alert: that fails every time.

My anxiety became unbearable. To this day almost three years later it remains the worst season of my life. I didn't think I could take one more day. I just wanted everything to end. This time was different. Instead of just "snapping out of it" and burying my feelings I dealt with them. I felt so many feelings. And I shared how I was feeling with others and they helped me get the help I needed.

Suicide is preventable. I know this because mine was.

My first experience with suicide only ended positively because of the grace of God. And I guess the second one did too, but in a much different way. People showed up for me when I couldn't show up for myself. And that's what we have to do for our friends who are hurting. That is what God has called us to do.

Suicide Prevention Month is important because suicide really is preventable.

Educate yourself on the signs of suicide. Check in on your friends regularly. If you are struggling, share that with someone. We really are never alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255