Suicide is always a topic that we stay away from because it is hard to imagine anyone really doing it. I've thought about it, I have been depressed, and I've been in states where it was hard to image a time where I was happy. The thing about suicide is that it is hard to do. If you think about, suicide is the act of accepting everything that is happening. You accept that life isn't as pretty as it was before, so you decide to actually accept everything and that is probably the worst thing you could do. For most people, suicide is running away from everything, the people that say that don't know what they are talking about.
As someone that dreamt of committing suicide for months, I can say that it is annoying at best. If I was someone different, then frightening would be the word instead of annoying. Imagine a world where people think that you were selfish because you realized that this life wasn't for you. That you weren't wanted in this world and felt that no one really cared about you. That my friend, is an awful feeling. Like I said, I've had thoughts about suicide before. So, what should you do about these feelings of suicide?
I have no idea what people think when they bash others that commit suicide and cut themselves. What do you gain by putting someone down; nothing, right? I have kept my feelings inside for a long time and I think that my lifespan is shorter because of it. I have been having dreams about killing myself since I was 14 and I am still here. I'm not here because I am stronger than anyone else, I am here because I live by an ideology. Never let the people against you win by making them pity you, continue living and make them hate you because you lived your life and had fun.
Do we laugh and live life as a masked person in a masquerade, or do we show everyone our scars and get rejected? I don't want to be rejected anymore, so I will always hide behind a mask. Always thinking about suicide because every time I close my eyes I see myself die. Now, you may think that I should be, well damaged beyond repair at this point because I've been able to hold off my suicidal urges. I am damaged, as you can tell I'm not sane at all either. I do some things that aren't logical, but mistakes are just another way to learn.
You can get rid of the urges and be totally sane, but then again that isn't the route I went. I decided to create masks to hide the urges and that just pushed me further down the rabbit hole and the more mask I created, the harder it became to stop the dreams. I pushed my feelings behind a wall in order to avoid love from anyone because I didn't want anyone to miss me if I committed suicide. There was always the problem of the "right" way to do it. There are a ton of ways to commit suicide and you can find them all online, but that would leave some type of indication that you were attempting suicide.
I will just don my mask and have my dreams that you call nightmares; at this point, they are too common to call nightmares.
