English class is the evilest of evils in school. You can practice and review math. You can study physics and chemistry. You can memorize biology. You can study French and Spanish. Every other core class has an objective method of studying and learning. Sure these methods apply to memorizing grammar laws and vocabulary. But what about doing well on essays and other writing assignments? Well, once again, I present to you a solution based on an entirely reliable and all-encompassing piece of anecdotal evidence.

1. Observe and analyze your teacher.

English is a subjective subject (more often than not) and it is likely your teacher will leak their opinions into grading. If you have friends in higher grades who have had this teacher, ask them how they grade. Ask what they like and what they don't like. If you don't have this resource, dedicate the first two weeks of school to analyzing the teacher. The key is to be hypercritical and overly psychoanalyze every mannerism and every bit of diction. Some important things to note: their age, their teaching style and their vocabulary. The older they are, the more likely they are to be harsh graders. This is not always the case but you should probably spend more time refining your work. If they like to summarize and speak a lot about readings and such, you need to listen closely because they will tell you exactly what they want to hear in essays. And the last part is self-explanatory. Every time the teacher uses a word you haven't heard before, change 4 words in your essay with long and intimidating synonyms.

2. Get in the habit of writing down key phrases your teacher uses.

Teachers subconsciously will use certain phrases and words when discussing a text. They will give away what they are looking for, so make sure you include these phrases in your essay. Try to copy their syntax. Now, of course, I'd never say syntax, ever, because I'm a normal human being but my teacher tends to use it so I've gotten in the habit of using her terminology. Now this is one piece of advice that is more for me. I've taken a total of a quarter of a page for notes in English.

3. Make sure you actually speak English.

Speaking the language helps.

4. Do not sound colloquial.

Even if your teacher sometimes likes that, avoid it. It's safer to sound excessively formal because it's harder to find flaws.

5. Plan and/or outline.

This simple step would have made this article substantially better. In fact, I made up the steps as I went along and only when I reached the 5th did I realize I didn't have any ideas left. Finally, it hit, but you wouldn't want to submit an essay like this article to your teacher if you had an ounce of dignity. However, if you have read my last article -- "The Lazy Person's 5 Step Guide to Straight A's" -- you will know a slight bit of apathy goes a long way.