I used to continuously question and doubt those who were involved in long distance relationships. I’d question why they choose to love someone so far away and doubt that they would go into next year together.

After years of ridiculing others, I am now the punch line of my own joke. Even I can’t help but laugh at the irony. Caught up in a classic case of cognitive dissonance, I had to make a choice before heading off to school. It was either sticking to my original beliefs on long distance relationships or trying to make things work with a guy, Justice, who had completely stolen my heart. The choice might have been blatantly obvious to some, but not to me. The truth is, I chose both because I was so conflicted.

First, I decided to go with what I know. I ended our relationship and hurt one of the most important people in my life, along with myself. Trying to be practical, I rationalized my actions with the fact that the odds were against us. And they were. He and I were going to school’s 1,000 miles apart and both had individual goals to pursue. I thought I was doing the right thing, looking out for my academic career and his athletic one. A breakup midseason or semester was not something I wanted either of us to endure.

Already unhappy with my decision hours later, I thought I would be able to find comfort in my friends and family. When I told them about the recent change in my relationship status, I thought they would agree with my logical choice. Instead, I received a lot of “WTFs” and a few jabs at my intelligence. I had mistaken the smart decision in this instance for the right decision.

I realize now that when it comes to love, it’s not about being smart. It’s about losing yourself in the stupidity and simplicity of it all. It’s about being silly, and saying the wrong thing or getting nervous, even though that person has seen you at you lowest point. If love were smart, it could be analyzed and rationalized. The best love is the unexplainable, unimaginable and unexpected kind. That’s what I had with Justice.

After my moment of weakness and the week of revelations that followed, Justice gave me the opportunity to make the choice I should have the first time. He handled the mistake, that I know hurt him, with such grace. It’s been a year since I disputed the answer to a question that should never have been asked. We are now both finishing up our first year of college at our separate schools, focused more than ever on our separate dreams and still undoubtedly and stupidly, together in love.