In seasons of suffering and struggle, it's easy to ask the question, "Where is God?" When life overwhelms me, throwing one thing after another my way, leaving me feeling exhausted, restless, broken, and hopeless, I'm quick to challenge God. I view my struggles as tests and temptation from God. I'm quick to waiver in my faith, questioning how a loving God could leave me suffering for so long.

Recently however, my suffering mentality has changed.

I no longer view suffering as the absence of God, but rather the presence of God. God has revealed three major things to me during this season of suffering: He is not the one tempting me. He is not abandoning me, but refining me. He loves me.

I've been quick to blame God for my suffering. I've seen my temptation and struggle as God tempting me. But James 1:13 says, "Let no one say when he is tempted, 'I am being tempted by God,' for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one" (ESV Study Bible). Essentially, this is saying that God never tempts me to sin (the very thing that brings me into these seasons of struggle). God may present me with difficult seasons and experiences in order to strengthen my faith and dependence on Him, but He never tempts me to sin. His desire for my life is that I would glorify Him and find my joy, peace, and contentment in His love. He does not lead me to sin, but rather my own submission to temptation causes me to stray and struggle away from Christ.

I've also been quick to question God during these difficult seasons, feeling like I've been abandoned and rejected by Him. But recently, I've seen that the exact opposite is true. God is constantly with me. I've seen evidence of this because in Proverbs 3:11-12 it says, "My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights," (ESV Study Bible). This passage, and others like it, have shown me that suffering is evidence of God working in me. God refines and challenges those He loves. This season of suffering is proof that a loving God cares so much about me that He is unwilling to let me stay where I was. He is bringing me to a place that will ultimately glorify Him and satisfy my soul. Rather than feeling abandoned during my struggle, I feel loved. If my Heavenly Father, who loves me so much and would never want to see me suffer, is willing to break His own heart by bringing me into a season of struggle, how much better off am I going to be in the end? He hates to see me suffer, but He is willing to suffer Himself in order to bring me to where I need to be to glorify Him and find even more joy.

While all of this doesn't make suffering easier necessarily, it is comforting to know how much God loves me. Suffering is painful, terrifying, lonely, and hard. God knows all of this. But what He has revealed to me recently is that His love for me is more than I can imagine. Despite these biblical truths and realizations, God still knows that my heart is suffering and my soul is in anguish. Yet, He has revealed His love through this season. He is not only refining me and loving me, but He is comforting me. Even when God brings us through these seasons, He knows that they are not easy to endure and He loves and comforts us through them.

I've learned that my suffering mentality can change. Rather than viewing these difficult times as empty, lonely, and frustrating, I'm learning to recognize that there is joy to be found in suffering. There is a kind of peace to be found in knowing that God is guiding me somewhere that will glorify Him and strengthen me. It is comforting to know that God is in control and that ultimately, He is drawing me closer to Him through this season.

But this is not of my own doing, nor my own understanding. God is battling for my heart everyday. He is revealing these scriptures and truths to me because again, He loves me. This is not of my own doing, this change is not from me, but from Him. God is fighting for me and with me. I am not abandoned. I am found in Christ and He is bringing me joy during a difficult struggle. Because He is a refining, pursuing, and loving God.