Some of these struggles will be fairly obvious, like bathrooms, I hate them. Others like shoes, will take some explaining.
My mind is kind of set up like a field of land mines. Some days I never step on one and others, it seems like every step I take, I take off another limb. Each land mine being a different insecurity.
Some days, I can't stand the fact that I'm only 5'8", which isn't that short, but all of my friends are 6'0". It's not fun being the short guy. I laugh along with the jokes about needing help with the top shelf and a step stool to get into trucks, but it gets old.
I don't like shopping and not finding my size or shoes not fitting right.
I get insecure my voice is too high or my face is too feminine. My physical appearance keeps me inside my house a lot. I've been afraid that people won't see me, but just another trans kid. Some days it's easier to avoid mirrors than to face my reflection.
Speaking honestly, I know I'm not that girly. I grow a beard regularly, go to the gym, and wear suits. I haven't been called miss or ma'am in years, but that doesn't change how I see myself.
When I look at myself some days, I don't see the guy I've grown into, I see the confused 10 year old too afraid to speak up.
Aside from my physical appearance, I'm my own issue. I fear people shutting me down and all of my relationships failing. That my gender, one of the only things I can't control or change, will be the reason I end up alone.
My transition has come with anxiety and depression, it's come with paranoia and it's come with the feeling of alienation.
For someone else to accept that would be quiet a feat. On my worse days I'm convinced that I will never find someone to do that.
Socially, it gets more complicated, there never seems to be a right time for coming out to people. I'm always viewed as a lesser guy when people find out I wasn't born one.
It's a terribly lonely feeling being the only person to get the feeling of not being born the person you were suppose to be.
It's hard to feel like a man some days. But my dad taught me quite a lot about it. About how to button up my suits and how to shave. He said not all guys were massive and to always over tip the breakfast lady. He said being a man is more inside of me than the parts I was born with. Being a man is opening doors and calling my grandmother on Sundays. My dad let me take his name and made it a lot easier to walk in a field full of land mines.
