- It's having that little voice in your head that somehow convinces you nothing you do is ever good enough.
- It's tearing yourself apart on the inside when the smallest thing goes awry even if isn't actually your fault.
- It's watching your creativity slip away into the horizon while you stare, blankly, knowing that you don't dare reach out to it.
- It's hesitating to start on anything new because you're afraid you won't be able to do it well enough to appease the little voice.
- It's never showing how much help you need to others so you can live under the delusion you can do it all yourself for a little while.
- It's limiting your potential because all you can focus on is your capability, precision, method, and the results.
- It's choking up when you overhear what standards your peers live up to and realize what you're doing to yourself.
I've reached a point in my life where I'm almost completely recovered from all that's happened to me. I'm in university so I should be able to do anything I can put my mind to. This is where I'm meant to find myself and what I stand for so I can run in that direction in the future.
There's just one looming obstacle: perfectionism. I've never met anyone who's as hard on themselves as me. At this point, I'm self-aware enough to realize that it's doing more damage than good.
Of course, that's easier said than done. I have a lot wrapped up in my standards for living, most of which I don't even fully understand.
- It's hard to break away when I'm afraid I won't be able to motivate myself any other way.
- It's hard to break away when I feel so insecure after making mistakes in front of people.
- It's hard to break away when I expect so much out of myself.
But I have to try for the sake of my happiness, creativity, and health. I have to peel away the layers behind this conflict so that I can understand how it arose and how to convince myself that I don't have to try to be perfect. It sounds like common sense even to me, but you know what they say! "People are psychological, not logical." (My psychologist has said this multiple times, so it's got to be a real thing.)
If you only take one thing away from this post, I hope you understand that any and all of your problems are valid; no matter how big or small they may seem to you or anyone else. The thing is we wouldn't have any problems if they everything was just that simple or easy to deal with.
We wouldn't need professional help to answer those questions if they were so obvious. I think I can apply at least that much logic to human nature.
