People will be quick to tell you that you're perfect when you're feeling self-conscious, yet I find it's very rare that they actually "know" you. It's like they're just telling you that you're good enough for yourself so that you'll shut up, which might not be their intention at the beginning, but does it matter if that's what's coming across?

I'm sorry that this article will be a bit more depressing, I don't like to write depressing stories but sometimes it's healing, and who knows, this might actually help someone.

So back when I was talking about when you're the funniest person in the room in my first article, I think there might also be a few different aspects to humor that could have a darker side. One of the better examples of this, unfortunately, is Robin Williams, who committed suicide after a battle with depression. A majority of his fans did not know that he was even depressed before he took his life, myself included. I saw late night television hosts like Jimmy Fallon cry on live TV, and stand on his desk and yell "O captain, my captain! You will be missed!" and I fucking lost it.

It's cliche to say it now, since it's been circulating the internet a lot, but I think it's also important to remember that things become cliches because of frequent occurrence and powerful impact. The cliche that comes to mind is this one: Sometimes the people that are trying the hardest to make you laugh are the most depressed. Sometimes the people that are trying the hardest to bring you up are the people that know what it's like to feel completely worthless. It's a noble thing, really, that people are helping other people out there because they don't want to see them become a past version of themselves.

Let's go to a new topic: what others say. Of course, if you're like me, you depend a lot on what people say about you so that you can orient yourself and adapt to situations. This matters academically, socially, even physically and mentally. Unfortunately, middle school and high school was a thing, so let's just stop that sentence there because I'm sure a lot of us have a similar situation. The things people say really effect you, especially if they're negative. There could be an entire fucking sea of positive compliments, the ones that are repeated are clear because they're said so often, but that makes it easier to see that one negative comment, like a fish. Suddenly, the positive comments don't matter now that there's a giant, red, negative comment swimming towards you so that you can't ignore it.

People that you thought were your friends are now noticing that comment and either abandoning you or joining in on the bandwagon, and the weight of your loneliness really hits you. Were they even friends in the first place? Was I just there because I was so obsessed with making people happy that I was willing to sacrifice my own well-being before that? And how can I ever even attempt to start to accept myself when there's so much apparent negativity around me?

Eventually you learn to embrace that one comment. Eventually being the key word. I still see the killer look in that fish's eyes to this day. Someday I hope that I'll be brave enough to bathe in the embrace of positivity, and though that negativity will always be around, I hope that I'll be able to maybe throw it some seaweed or kelp or something and it'll go away. If not, it's a good thing that I've kept this harpoon on me for the past year. I'm naked in the water though, so where do I keep it? I'll never tell.

After senior year, the change I was desperate for actually happened, I went as far away from home I could afford, packed my shit, got in the car and focused on the road ahead. That was admittedly a better mentality: Have your negativity drive you to make a change, or else the pain wasted on it is useless. It was a literal manifestation of "I did not come to play with you hoes, I came to slay," and it was fantastic, and I'll get there again real soon, I can feel it.

I keep talking about the friends that I've made in college and I know that it seems really repetitive, but that's because it bears repeating. I have the best friends in the world. I have an inner circle that seemed to form around me randomly involving a lot of kindness, happiness, acceptance, a lot of dank memes, love, honor, truth, and a pinch of gay. Then you fill the rest of the shaker up with vodka and you essentially have made the appropriate provisions to summon me in a pentagram. Just pour it all over the chalk star on the ground, there's no way to really mess it up; I'll just kinda appear in a few flickers and then start licking up the vodka on the floor.

But yeah, back to my friends: I have made friends in college based on the characteristics I see in others that I wish to emulate. I've made friends that are fun-loving, that are level-headed and honest, that have persistence and drive for academics, that are supportive and optimistic. These are all qualities that I want for myself, and I have made it my duty to learn from their examples and try to use them myself. I've admittedly done a bad job so far, because I'm still an asshole, but I'm working on it. You can't rush art.

I've been overweight for a while; since I was nine I remember being above average in the weight department. I've seen the concerned eyes of doctors, I've seen the laughing faces of people that looked down on me, I've seen the exhausted looks of coaches not knowing what to do with the fat kid on the team.

I've gotten better, I'm way more muscular now than, say, sixth grade, and I've recently gained more that I'm going to shed by the end of the summer as a giant motivational story (I'm going to run the Philadelphia Marathon in November). Of course I'm still conscious about it, I looked in the mirror today and I audibly scoffed. I understand that a lot of people will tell me that I don't need to change, but that doesn't really help me if I'm unhappy whenever I see my reflection. I'm going to make a positive change to myself and I'm going to hit the ground running to make a difference that will really benefit me in the long run.

Wow, two puns in one sentence.

There's a lot of areas where I'm self-conscious, but I think for the most part I'm pretty cool. I've got a good taste in music, a decent sense of humor, I can write well and I'm above average in biology. There's times to focus on the bad things about yourself when you're going to make an effort to change them, and there's time when you need to focus on the positives, because too much time spent on any type of negativity is going to get really repetitive and depressing. What about things about yourself that you can't change, though? What about something negative about yourself that you can't change through either positivity or lifestyle changes?

My sexuality was never really considered something irrational, but I do believe if there's one bad thing about bisexuality, I think it's the reception by the community (I am actually pansexual, which means that I am attracted to people regardless of gender (meaning I may be attracted to people that identify with different genders than the two binary ones. I've adapted to identify as bisexual instead to avoid having to explain myself). I've been blessed to be surrounded with people that are accepting and understanding of my sexuality, though there are people I've met on the internet that have questioned my fidelity, my morality and my desire to have threesomes. Allow me to be the first person to tell you this: My sexuality does not determine my morality or my desire to cheat on a significant other.

And sure, I think threesomes would be great, just like regular sex is, but I don't have a burning desire to have one most of the time. Often times I just focus on one person, like I think everyone does at the end of the day. I have yet to cheat or fantasize about cheating. I think that cheating is a form of emotional abuse and trauma, and I would be honest with my partner if I were interested in "trying something new."

Other times, the LGBT community has accused me of being either gay or straight and using bisexuality as a means to come out in baby steps, or even that I'm living a lie. And the straight community just assumes I'm either 100 percent gay and trying to fit in with straight people, or I'm 100 percent straight and saying I'm bi just to be pretentious or seem more worldly, I don't know. Sometimes both sides of the spectrum have an issue with actually accepting me for what I identify as, which is very confusing and disabling, and I believe it's interesting that the community created to create a sense of belonging and inclusion is the same one that is annexing me and those that identify with me. In fact, because of this, bisexual people have a lower chance of coming out than gay men and lesbian women.

I can't speak much on this issue because I have not faced it in person, I've only had bits and pieces of it online. I assure you though, my sexuality is indeed a real thing, I'm both attracted to men and women, and your failure to accept that only becomes my issue when you're actively trying to prevent me from being an active part of a community. Don't be a dick.

My major tips for people struggling with self-acceptance is this: start by finding a group of people that will accept you, then build yourself up from there. Keep in mind what you'd like to change about yourself, but only change what YOU want to change, and what will make YOU happy. Listen to criticism if it's constructive, but don't pay attention to it if it doesn't help you. It's okay to be sad, sometimes we need to just cry and let some shit out, and it feels great after you do it, just don't be sad without a reason. Talk to people, when you say stuff out loud it clicks in your head better than when it's just in your head.

You have a long road ahead of you, and you may not finish the journey, but the idea is to get as far down the path as you can. I believe in you, and if all else fails, post memes. I like the pages that call dogs "doggos" and puppies "puppers" and it's very satisfying to have a friend that calls you doggo when you call her smol pupper.