September is suicide prevention month. If you have ever been a survivor of a suicide attempt, someone who has contemplated it, or a loved one that has survived a loved ones suicide, my prayers go out to you today. Suicide is a heartbreaking outcome for someone who cannot envision a future without a livable outcome. Most of us can at least envision the light at the end of the tunnel, but some of us are not chemically programmed to do so.
I was sixteen years old when I swallowed a half a bottle of ibuprofen in the hope of falling asleep and never waking up again. As the effects began to set in I, thankfully, had a moment of clarity, and asked for help. My mother took me to the emergency room and lied (for fear I would be put on a psychiatric hold, which might not have been a bad idea) and said I accidentally overdosed so they kept me under observation and then sent me home to vomit very green bile for a day and a half. Thank you Shukis for looking out for me.
Years later, I am a mother to three intelligent, capable, kindhearted human beings. I raise one, then two and when three comes around, just one more, and I know that I have it under control and then - “I don’t think so” - I realize that I don’t.
My daughter wanted to end her life. She announced it, she exhibited the behaviors of a suicidal person. It was never clearer to me that my daughter did not want to hang around for the opening act. I lived in terror every day of going in to her room and finding her dead. I would lie in bed and pray “Dear Lord, please don’t let her be dead, please help her to feel our love and overcome the desire to kill herself."
At that time I stood in front of my daughter’s door, terrified, with an outstretched hand that would pull away from the door knob as thought it were on fire and might burn me. I mourned for my daughter, pleaded for the strength to get each day. Hoped above all hope that I would not have to bury my daughter.
It has been almost a year and now I see the ray of sunshine. My daughter is receiving the help that she needs. She is properly medicated and I can once again breath like a regular human being.
Educate yourself on suicide prevention so that you may be a mentor and remember, all lives matter and are worth living.
