I would like to speak on an incident that happened in my life involving the police. I was caught smoking pot with a couple friends under a beautiful willow tree near a retention pond. It was at night so this specimen was truly a majestic body. We made a tactical error by believing that we were covert and hidden. I think that we should have just gone at a later time but whatever. Some mom called the cops on us which is completely and absolutely understandable. They show up or... the first one arrives and he's an absolute a**hole. I say this because I had a long conflicting battle within my inner monologue about why this guy had to be so mean. I'll explain. He approaches us by scaling the outskirts of the pond and using the darkness as his ally. He screams and flashes his bright beam light, blinding everyone. He then places his hand on his gun which is also understandable. He doesn't know who we are, it makes sense. He directs us to his vehicle which is ironically parked right behind the ours. He then aggressively asks us if we have anything that will danger him or any drugs. Yada yada yada. The typical "incite as much fear into these teenagers so they admit to everything" tactic. Classic. He then proceeds to pat us down. I go last and as I stood up, I realized that I had a small bag of the Devil's lettuce stored in that randomly odd tiny pocket that realistically has no other role other than to store drugs. I stand up and my legs just jiggle. I can't stop shaking. As this dude is aggressively groping my body, he asks if I have taken any other substances. I speak through chattering teeth that I have not. So this giant bone head racks my family jewels as he slides his hands up my inner thighs. I cough but absorb the pain. It's interesting to think about this incident as an older version of myself. Anyways, he then calls for more officers and proceeds to ask us if he can search our vehicle. I'm literally shaking with anxiety and stress and fear. I'm thinking about jail and prison and being butt raped. I'm serious. I was young and my mind was molded by stupid high school stigmas. But we instantly oblige. Like, I'm positive that we all answered yes when he asked, no hesitation. We didn't know any better. It happens. But as he starts his scan, inch by inch, more officers arrive. There are now 3 squad cars and we're all looking at each other like, "There are coincidentally three of us..." The new arriving officers on this "crime scene" are a lot younger than the first officer. The first officer had that old dude mustache that dripped with the urge to destroy the futures of the youth. Like the mustache specifically had me fascinated because I was also so stoned. I just stared at it for what I thought was days but probably just segments of a couple seconds. It sat perched atop his upper lip as if it had killed every other mustache that tried to compete. The swagger was intimidating but the bristles of his stache hair resonated with years of frowning and forgotten bits of food. Getting back to this memory, the younger officers go and converse with the elder officer. We can't hear what they're saying. All I can think about is my Korean mother kicking the sh*t out of me. Good God, if only people could truly understand the speed of an upset Asian woman... Continuing on, my friends and I sat on this curb and each and every one of us, all believed the worst case scenario was the only case scenario. The cops break their pep talk and approach us. My buttcheecks tighten so hard. The first cop holds his palm out and residing in it, is like .3 of some shake. After showing us how relentless he was to find any incriminating evidence against us, he tells us that that we can all go to jail for a long time. However, as Negative Ned is elaborating on about how weed is the devil, he gets interjected by one of the younger cops. This dude is Hispanic. He kind of tells the older cop to chill out and then looks at us with a pretty big smile. My friends and I are baked beyond belief. BBB. So seeing this cop smiling at us after dealing with the first cop's bad vibes, made my nausea bubble within my belly. I'm going to quote what he said because I will never forget it and it will be a moment in life where I realized that we're all people.

"So when you guys get your weed, are there hairs in them?" He chuckles. "We've been getting reports of dealers putting their pubes in their product. So next time you guys re up, check for human hair." The other younger officer is holding back laughter and slowly steps back to the side of us. I look at the older officer with just so much confusion. What the f*ck is going on? I look at my friends and their looks look identical to the way I feel. The Hispanic officer finishes up his statement with, "Guys, if you're going to smoke weed, do it in a private place where crazy neighborhood moms won't call the cops on you." And then the older officer claps his hands together to get rid of the speckles of THC. My friends and I slowly stand up, still unable to comprehend what is going on, and then the younger cop that had stepped aside calmly tells us we can leave.

So there we sit. In my friend's car. I'm in the backseat. The car hasn't been turned on yet. It's dead silent aside from heavy breathing and my chattering teeth. The silence is broken by my friend asking what we do. Do we drive away? Will they pull us over and nail us for an OWI? We sit there a little longer. The police cars are still parked behind us, almost waiting for our next move. I remember pulling my phone out and preparing an apology text to my mom. My friend takes a deep breath and revs the car into life. We slowly reverse out. My eyes were locked on the cops, essentially expecting the lights to flash back on the moment we passed them. Our car makes its way past them and we all hold our breath. We are driving slightly slower than the speed limit and my body and head turn to what I believe is the inevitable. They don't move. The Hispanic officer gives us a wave with a smile that was noticeable from at least 15 feet in the dark. We keep driving and still the cops don't move. Eventually, I can't even see them. They're gone. And we're home free. We sit there in silence. We all go home.