I have always believed that surprises were meant to be a good thing. A pick me up, or a boost. A form of acknowledgement or appreciation. However, some surprises just aren’t. They sneak up and rip a part of you away, leaving you helpless and confused. Not all surprises are positive ones. The shock that goes hand-in-hand with death is never easy. I have lost people before. I am envious of people that have never been to a funeral; that don't know the specific kind of pain that intertwines with permanent loss. But I do have to say, the hardest kind of loss is the unexpected. Reality hits hard and fast. You sit there, in denial, saying to yourself, "this can not be true", but it is.

I remember when I got the news. I remember what I was wearing, where I was sitting, and the exact feeling that washed over me. I remember breaking into hysterics, collapsing into my dad's arms. That was the first time he had said to me, "I don't know what to say"... He did not have any answers. That was also the first time I had seen my dad cry. No words could have comforted the pain of losing my cousin so suddenly on his 39th birthday. The entire family was broken without him. I remember calling home to inform my mom and sister. Never have I been the one to give such bone chilling news. I could barely get the words out; if I didn't say it- maybe it wouldn't be true. Could this all be a horrible nightmare I have not woken up from? I took a deep breath, wiped the waterfall of tears from my face, and told my mom of my cousin's passing. Sheer panic and pain was all I heard on the receiving end of the phone call.

These moments are what make life so difficult. The anger, the hurt, the emptiness. There are really no words to explain those feelings and how real they become when tied with loss. I have lost people before, grandparents, great grandparents, great aunts and uncles- and those I could more easily accept, but this is one loss I can't understand; I can't fully cope with. It has been a full year since saying goodbye and I still struggle with it. Quite regularly I'll see someone walking down the street or sitting in a restaurant and I'll think, "Justin?". But that dream washes away and the person I see is really just a stranger, not my always-smiling cousin.

His passing has brought me much admiration for life. It's ironic how it works that way, isn't it? I've learned that we are in no way guaranteed anything. As a twenty-something, I've felt invincible but the truth is: we don't know what tomorrow could bring, so hold onto your loved ones now and everyday afterwards. Life is too short. Be a good person. Surround yourself with happiness and love. Live with absolutely no regrets and do it for those who's time here was not long enough for their everlasting beautiful and kind soul. My family has taught me the true meaning of strength. I listen to their stories and memories with each other and with Justin and it fills me with joy. I often wish I had more of my own. I know someday we will be reunited again, but until then I plan to live my life the way we all should and the way my cousin would have wanted us to: happy and to the fullest.

Live simply. Be kind.

Rest in the sweetest peace.

July 27th, 2015