They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. If this is true why can't anyone seem to be able to figure me out? Why can't I figure out myself? Let me tell you why. Even though it's said to be the window to the soul, the soul will only tell you so much about a person. Not everyone can just share their story with words...
My story begins as a child in a household of two average American parents trying their best to make it work. I have a father who traveled the countries most of my life due to his job requirements. I also have a mother who tried her hardest to keep everything together when it all seemed to be falling apart. My mother has two kidney transplants, and four blood clots in a matter of 11 years out of my 19 years here on Earth. What that means to other people is pitty and the "I'm sorry's" but what it really means is as a child I had to grow up pretty quickly; not because I was forced too, but because of the wanting to show my mom she'll always have someone to lean on when she's struggling to save herself. No one can describe the pain you feel when the belief of loosing one parent in a blink of an eye becomes a reality.
As I grew older my aunt Crystal became my best friend, that was also short lived... A doctor made some mistakes in administering a cortisone shot to the shoulder and she never came out. Being only eight at the time I was more confused than anything. Confusion because I was wishing I could hear the "I Love you's" one more time. Later down the road, I lost both grandparents within six months. Six months is no time to say goodbye when you never thought of watching both of them slowly drift away. It's also never a thought of holding your grandmother's hand as her heart beats for the last time.
"Welcome to High School these will be the best years of your life!" That's maybe true for you but was nothing close to that for me. Freshman year you believe you know your friends from day one. Your friends will change; they all do. Everyday in high school for three out of four years I was sent some message somewhere letting me know what I already felt. "You're fat" "You're ugly" "Go kill yourself" "F***ing w**re" Everything I felt multiplied. School turned into a day of sitting in my counselors office wishing to leaving, pushing her to let me convince myself that it will all be over with if I could just end it. But to only make matters worse a family best friend sexually abused me on the night of his son's graduation. Scared to keep going here came the first attempt which was not successful. The schools day continued and here I was again in the counselors office trying to play cool but giving her a copy of the letter I wrote about the attack... now having to face the fact my parents will now know made me cringe because what parent wouldn't look at their child the same. (After all I still feel like it was all my fault it happened.) I thought after my parents knew maybe I would feel relief from it.
It's finally summer going into junior year and there was a boy I thought was going to change my life for me. Never going to say I regret any day we spent together because I thought I was happy and really moving forward. He was everything I thought I needed; for a time it was. Junior year I was hiding behind the facts of how bad my depression had gotten. February 24th, 2015 I tried to commit suicide the second my parents left the house. My dad found me barely conscious that day I heard my dad cry over me and not realize how much it hurt to have him see me this way. The moments I remember where the ones you can call traumatic.
Now comes my journey into recovery I started and outpatient rehabilitation program where I met a man who's name was Marty and a beautiful girl who I aspire to be named Jacquee. To this day I owe them everything because I would not be here without them. Marty showed me how to love myself even with all my flaws there is a reason to keep going.
It's now my freshman year in college and after all the hearbreak and questioning I'm proud of how far I've let myself come. Recovery is a process but acceptance is the goal. No one would be able to look in my eyes and tell that stuff has happened. I smile as big as the sun and laugh as if I don't have a reason to frown. Love each day as it comes and run with it.
Love, Tay
