It seems as though when it comes to the topic of sex, there is a major stigma around making your own sexual decisions. What's even worse about this stigma is the fact that a lot of the time, the message of saving sex for marriage is targeted predominately towards young girls only, and not so much towards boys. Can this be a harmful approach?
First off, I want to start by mentioning that I believe we should teach young girls, or young people in general, all about safe sex and making decisions that are right for them personally. And no, not the “abstinence is the only form of safe sex” kind of mentality that is popular among our public education systems. I am talking about helping young girls answer valid questions they may have, such as, “when do I know if I am personally ready to have sex?” and “what are all my available birth control options, beyond just the pill and condoms?”
All throughout growing up, I associated sex with very strong feelings of fear. We are taught that we won't be the same person after sex, that your hymen will painfully rip open and that you'll bleed everywhere (this should never happen and can easily be avoided!), that we'll regret it if we do it too young, that men might consider us “impure,” and a whole myriad of other scare tactic type concepts. In reality, while I believe sex is something that you should only share with someone you at least care about and have established trust with, it is not an act that is so powerful that it will entirely change who you are as a person. To provide young girls with this false impression is disappointing and upsetting, to say the least.
There was a YouTube video I came across that especially sparked my desire for writing about this topic. It was called something like “This Is What Happens When You Save Sex For Marriage” and I was thinking, okay, the girl who made this video is either going to go in the direction of speaking out about how saving yourself for marriage was not all it's cracked up to be, or she's going to explain that this is the only responsible way to go about having sex. As the video progressed, the latter turned out to be true.
I started to feel especially pissed off by the time she started talking about how girls will forever be “chemically bonded” to whoever they lost their virginity to, because “you now have a chemical bonding with this person that was supposed to be reserved for your husband.” This absolutely horrible notion is constantly being thrown around while it is completely and utterly untrue. If saving sex for marriage is the choice you feel most comfortable with, then by all means, go for it. That is commendable. But please do not spread inaccurate myths to back up your decision.
The problem with this thinking is that it implies that saving sex for marriage, or any set time period, is the only risk-free way to go...or else.
As a personal side note, I actually, for some reason, found it easier to get over my ex that I had lost my virginity to than some previous exes in which I didn't have sex with. I'm still not entirely sure why this is, and of course, I was very hurt at the beginning of the breakup, but I moved on relatively fast. While everyone's grieving process is different for their breakups and some may take longer than others, I just want to make it clear that you absolutely are not “chemically bonded” to the first person you have sex with. For any girls (and guys as well) that have yet to experience intimacy, I want you to always keep this in mind.
A big part of this stigma is portrayed long before high school sex ed, too. In 5th grade, my school had the whole puberty assembly that was split up between boys and girls. While in the girls' assembly, I remember being strictly told that any questions pertaining to sex were off limits. Meanwhile, after the assemblies, I overheard one of the boys talk about how they were allowed to ask about sex, masturbation, protection, etc. in their assembly.
I was confused back then, and I'm infuriated now. Curious questions about sex would have been perfectly appropriate for either gender to have discussed in an assembly on puberty, but it's a shame that the girls were restricted to, I guess somehow, remaining “pure” while the boys were allowed to expand upon their curiosity. It's as if girls are being shamed for even thinking about sex or acknowledging that we have any sexual thoughts and feelings just like boys do, and this starts at a young age.
That's what this is all about. That's the point I'm trying to get across. Females are expected to act as if we aren't sexual beings with natural sexual urges. I'm not advocating for people to go out and mindlessly become sexually active at age 11, but we should indeed have the access to information on this topic from a young age. Knowledge is power and information cannot hurt, only help.
Furthermore, the decision on when YOU feel most comfortable having sex is a decision only you can make. It is not your mother's, your boyfriend's, your teacher's, or anyone else's decision except for yours and yours alone. Only you will know when you feel ready, and it is best to wait until you feel you are 100% ready with no hints of uncertainty. Whether that be during your first relationship or on your wedding night, it is up to you.
However, the answer is not some black and white, set in stone rule that can be applied to everyone, and society needs to quit treating it as such.
