I found a flaw in myself. I take on too many things and too many responsibilities that I overwhelm myself and don't have enough time to recover from one activity and move on to the next. I'm the person that people come to when they need help, and no, that isn't my flaw. I'm the person that people know they can depend on; that isn't it either. I'm the person that can never say no; bingo, that's my problem. Even though I can barely take care of myself, I'm still taking care of the people I love.
When a new opportunity in my life arises, I always take it. I take every single one that comes my way because I never know when or if the next one will come to me. I never viewed this as a bad thing until I started running out of hours in the day. With the fewer hours that I had to myself, the more of myself I lost. I became depressed. I became depressed but I'm still taking on all of these daily challenges that were once opportunities that I can't find it in myself to let go of now that they are more stress than peace.
I just want some help. Lately that's all I've been asking for with my friends and family. I just want someone to come with me to the grocery store. I just want someone to spend the night with me. I just want someone to help with chores, or take my dog for a walk, or cook a dinner with me. I'm not asking for much, but at this point, I just feel desperate. I don't feel like I'm getting what I deserve, nor what I need to continue on with all of these stresses in my life. I don't know why I'm on my hands and knees begging for these things. It hurts me. My heart hurts.
I'm starting to realize that I don't say no to things because I've always had a terrific support system behind me. But where are they now? Why am I always the one to go out of my way to make sure that everyone else is taken care of, but now that I need someone to help me, they're all gone? I'm still saying yes to taking on new things, but the circle of people behind me is minimal. I fear that at one point, I'm going to stop saying yes, and stop being me.
I've never denied anyone help if they asked for it. I have never said no to any of my friends who needed a place to stay, a meal to eat, or someone to spend time with. I have always been there, and everyone has gotten used to it. The more and more lonely I get, the more I feel like these are flaws about me, too.
I love being everything I am. I love doing everything I do. I just don't love when I finally realize that I'm being taken advantage of. Relationships and friendships are supposed to be two sided. You give some. You take some. You work as a team.