My lack of sports knowledge can only be matched by my lack of political knowledge. Yes, I will be voting for the first time this upcoming election. Yes, I know I should be more informed of the important issues facing our country and what each candidate is willing to offer. But quite frankly, I can name more Kardashians than presidential candidates and my knowledge only goes as far as what I've heard on "Saturday Night Live" and in Seth Meyers' monologues. I'll say what you're all thinking: Millennials are the worst. It's just hard that we can't vote for ourselves.
While I have an idea of who I'm voting for, I will refrain from posting about it on social media, keeping my opinions to myself. A crazy concept, right? Unfortunately, our country faces a big problem at hand right now: excessive Facebook campaigners of the 2016 election. We all know one and we've all seen the damage they do to our newsfeed. We've been tricked into accepting a friend request with politics and for the love of pant suits, this is not what Mark Zuckerberg envisioned for America. At first it was entertaining, but now it has just become annoying (re: 'Damn, Daniel' vine). This is why I've written an un-baised oath in the hopes of bringing Facebook back to its former glory of stalking spring break photos and viewing feel-good animal videos without interruption.
"I, (state your name)..."
...know that no one actually reads my lengthy status about the recent caucus; I will spend my time more productively, like refreshing Venmo or learning Portuguese.
...realize that sharing political memes just makes things more difficult for those scrolling to find 15-second Buzzfeed food tutorials.
...see how silly it is to think my opinion can change the minds of my 800+ friends. I will focus my energy on something more realistic, like teaching my dog how to tie his shoes.
...know that arguing with Steve from high school is childish; I will step away from the screen when I feel an urge to add my two-cents.
...understand that I am not Facebook friends with Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Jeb Bush, Ted Cruz, or Marco Rubio and therefore, my insults will never make it to my intended target and are, ultimately, directed at no one.
...equally comprehend that Bernie Sanders did not hire me as a social media intern. I agree to "feel the bern" without "feeling the wrath" of my colleagues and classmates.
...know that I would not have the guts to call Jim those harsh words in person regarding his opinion on the primaries, so I will refrain from stating it online either.
...will not jump to share graphs and charts of information that is most likely incorrect. I will save unreliable sources like Wikipedia and Yahoo! Answers for their intended use: my college essays.
...will not make my profile picture or cover photo any hint as to who I'm voting for. They have no aesthetic anyway, unless it's a "Kanye 2020" banner, in which case, I am relevant and 'in on the joke.'
...realize that failure to follow the above rules will result in the loss of many Facebook friends.
Take the oath and together we can #MakeFacebookGreatAgain
