It’s time to talk about Muzak. For those who don’t know, "muzak" is a term used to describe music that sounds like music. It’s also the name of a brand that makes muzak. It’s cheap and made by demented cyborg lizards, probably just for fun.

You know it as call waiting music. You know it as elevator music. You know it as one of those things that seem to exist just to make you angry.

Businesses and corporations that don’t want to pay for licensing for good music and don’t want to get sued for playing good music without licensing buy much cheaper fake music because they think all those music-note sound-noises are the same, I guess. On-Hold music is a direct result of the flawed lizard person logic that something is always better than nothing. Content! Content! Content!

In reality, muzak is an absolute travesty and a heartless assault on everything great about music; all art has been removed via enema and has been replaced by the acidic mustard-shit sludge of emotionless capitalism. Its lack of any sort of artistry is readily apparent to even those who know nothing of art, due to its instant inducing of a migraine.

Muzak is below the lowest common denominator. Nobody enjoys it, and everyone hates it. It gives people headaches. It is a leading cause of baby-punching. It generally makes life worse. If you can't afford the rights to play good music in your restaurant, in your hotel lobby, on your telephone calls, play nothing at all, except maybe occasional beep boops so the caller knows the call hasn't been lost. You can even get artsy with the beep boops. Pay an eleven year old angry Japanese kid to make avant-grade noise-rock with just beeps and boops, live from a closet-sized room all day every day. Anything would be better than music whose sole purpose is to try and fail to sound like music.

I mean, Jesus Christ, what about Moonlight Sonata? Beethoven’s been dead for like two hundred years. Surely the copyright is expired on that, and most classical music for that matter, if not all of it. Moonlight Sonata is the most beautiful piece of music of all time. Play it on my telephone, you god damn robots. Play Claire De Lune, Fur Elise, Chopin’s Nocturne No. 9 Op. 2, Bach’s Cello Suite. Even Pachelbell’s Cannon would be better than the lizard fodder you force us to endure.

I would like to call on the United Nations to take a hard look at the brand called Muzak, those who control it, and those who work for it. I am confident the council will feel compelled to the shut down this heinous organization for its crimes against humanity at once. I would also like to suggest that, when it comes to how to proceed with dealing with the failed musicians who have stooped to the level of writing fake music, they should be given a month to get a real job, and if they do not comply they should be hung by the neck until dead.

I would also like to call on one generous band with members who are still alive to release the rights of just one great song to the public, to be the go-to call-waiting song. My personal pick would be Welcome To The Machine by Pink Floyd. But really, anything would be better than the absolute garbage you force us to endure, which seems to have been made entirely by a brain-damaged psychopath with a single Casio keyboard purchased from Wal-Mart for $29.99.

Please take heed. Thank you.