Though women are now encouraged to pursue their passions, go to college, earn a degree, and have a successful and fulfilling career, they are also still expected to fulfill the role of wife and mother.

I’m only 21 years old and I can’t count on all of my fingers and toes the number of times that people have assumed that I want to have children with questions like “how many children do you want?” and “when do you plan on having kids?” Or remarks like “you’ll understand once you have your own children.”

I’ve known since I was a teenager that motherhood is not right for me and it never will be for many reasons. I know this is hard to understand for many people, but that doesn’t mean I deserve to be patronized or shamed because of it. The fact that we’re well into the twenty-first century and I still have to explain myself when I say that I don’t want children is ridiculous, but here I am.

First of all, I do not like children. I have friends that can’t walk through Target without pointing out and ogling at every chubby-cheeked, pig-tailed, penguin-printed onesie-wearing, smiling baby. While I can admire an exceptionally cute baby or toddler from afar, I prefer they stay that way – far away. It’s not that children repulse me, though I cringe at the sound of crying babies and screaming toddlers, it’s more a matter of just not connecting on any level with them. Put me in front of a child and I will stand there uncomfortable and anxiously waiting for the ignorant soul who left me with them to return.

I believe this discomfort around children is due in part to my lack of a motherly instinct. Whereas good mothers are supposed to be nurturing, affectionate, and protective of their children, all I feel around them is awkward anxiety. It also requires a great amount of patience to raise a child, of which I have little naturally. This isn’t to say that if someone left their child with me to babysit that it would be unsafe; I am capable of taking care of a child and they would survive a night with me. However, knowing these things about my own personality I can say that I don’t think I would be a good mother, so why on earth would I purposely put a child in a parental situation that’s not ideal?

I also know the kind of lifestyle I want in the future and it is far from conducive to children. I want to have a career that I can immerse myself in and be insanely passionate about and dedicated to. I also want the freedom financially and time-wise to further my education. I hope to be able to travel nationally and internationally as often as possible. And not to mention that I’d like to have the freedom to spend my nights and weekends with friends. Or alone, because my me time is extremely important. Just practically speaking, kids are a huge financial and time investment, and that’s not an investment I wish to make.

Some might think many of my reasons are selfish, and maybe they are, but I’d rather not bring a child into this world if I know that I’m not willing or even not able to give it the devotion and patience it deserves.

And I’d like to clarify that just because I don’t want kids doesn’t mean I don’t want to get married either (though if that was the case, I would ask for the same kind of respect). I very much desire to make a commitment to and share my life with someone I love, I just prefer that that person is an independent adult rather than a child.

Even having explained all of this to people, they still try to convince me otherwise: “you’ll change your mind once you meet the right guy” and “Won’t you feel unfulfilled?” Again, I need to remind people that we are in the twenty-first century where the man does not make the woman (or shouldn’t at least), so a man is not going to change my personality or mellow me out in any way. And no I won’t be unfulfilled, I will find fulfillment in my career, traveling, learning, friends, loved ones, and a million and one other things. A woman does not need to be a mother to have a fulfilling and happy life.

I know who I am and I don’t want kids. Period. Let’s work on making an explanation unnecessary.