A lesson I've been learning this semester is how to slow down, rest, and not be so hard on myself. My senior-in-high-school self would scoff and not believe I'm still alive with the amount of things I do everyday.
15 units, weekly training, Mock Rock practice every night, and trying to maintain what little of a social life I still have has been really tough. It's overwhelming, hard to breathe, hard to get out of bed, but I can't stop. It's like a never-ending marathon and I've just learned to ignore the pain and exhaustion. That all caught up to me last week when I would cry up to three times a day because of the test I didn't get to study for because I was doing other commitments, or the assignment I forgot to turn in because I was at Mock Rock practice, or the lack of sleep that I was getting making me grumpy and emotional, or the amount of stress I put on myself... it just all became too much. I am not a crier and I hadn't cried in front of someone in years until a friend and I got coffee and she asked me how I was really doing.
Not many of my friends really knew how much I was deteriorating but so many people encouraged me and loved on me this past week and it was exactly what I needed to feel more like myself. I'm typically a go-with-the-flow person who doesn't stress too much about things, but sometimes I spiral into this constant-worrier who can't stop thinking about what I need to get done. The latter personality was this week, and I felt like I was back in my junior year of high school.
This isn't a post to gain sympathy or to complain about how terrible my week was. It's to encourage those who are idolizing a busy life just as I was. In college I've become someone who doesn't like to waste time, probably because I'm so busy I've realized how precious time is, so sitting around and doing nothing or taking a nap makes me feel guilty. Like I could've done something. But sometimes you need to be a little selfish in that way.
We're always doing something getting involved in a club or organization that has a time commitment, taking classes that require a lot of work and effort, or meeting with friends for coffee or meals to maintain relationships. While all of things are good and part of the college culture, I learned this past week that sometimes you just have to tap out and take a big nap and say no to things when you can so you have time to give your all and do what you need to do instead of giving 50% of yourself. I know I appreciate days where I don't have plans because I can either lock myself in my room and get work done or relax alone, or make plans that will refresh me. Also letting people know how you're really doing when you feel like you're drowning provides you a safety net to fall into- those people will care and love and help you survive another day.
