I lost my innocence at age 7

A boy stripped it away to tend to his own needs

I was silenced; I was cursed

Little did I know future relationships would suffer

Little did I know nightmares would occur

His name is forbidden

His face is blacked out

His actions are still there

His touch is still burned on my skin

I never knew that I would feel the guilt

I never knew it would drive me to slice my flesh

I never knew that no one would look at me the same

I never knew that I am to blame

Why didn’t I know it was wrong?

Why didn’t I scream?

Why did I let his force control my voice?

My mother tells me it’s a part that breaks us

But we must power through

But mother, my arms bleed with the dreams

My heart aches with the screams

My lungs quiver with the panic

My body clenches with fear

And my brain throbs with the possessed reminiscences

I can still feel his glare on my privates

I can still hear his whisper in the middle of the night

I can still sense the tear falling down my cheek

I can still see his hands go where they should not

This is a chapter that created the rest of my character

This is a chapter that resonates in the background of my personality

This is a chapter that contributes to my self-destruction

This is a chapter that I blame for failed connections

Yet, is this to blame?

Is this the reason I do not trust?

Is this the reason I allow myself to force people out?

Is this the reason why I find myself miserable after sexual interactions?

I never let myself enjoy that part

I never let myself get too close

And when I do, it is a play

The interaction is false

The interaction is a lie to my partners

The interaction has no real meaning

The interaction is an obligation

The loss of my innocence became the future loss of enjoyment

The loss of my innocence became the future loss of intimacy

I have yet to enjoy the intimate act

I have yet to genuinely feel something for another human being

I have yet to allow myself to enjoy that part because it was tainted when I was 7

Maybe one day I will allow that sliver of happiness

Maybe one day I will let it consume my life

Maybe one day I will learn to forgive my abuser

Forgive my abuser for breaking me down

For lying about the wounds

For pretending that nothing happened

For allowing himself to harm a little girl

For not thinking about what will happen to her if she were to grow up

I cannot let go of what happened ten years ago

I cannot move past my faint innocence devoured by his actions

I lost my innocence at age seven

And 10 years later my life is still haunted by his forbidden touch