You might live in Catholic Hollywood if...
1. You tell other Catholics you’re from Steubenville and they assume you’re best friends with Dr. Scott Hahn.
“Steubenville! Do you know Scott Hahn? He spoke at a conference one time! Give him a hug for me!” *commence sharing life changing conference story*
I’ll get right on that, ma’am, since we basically run into each other all the time. It’s a small town, you know. And no, I don’t think he’ll find it weird that I’m stealing grass clippings from his yard for your personal relic collection.
2. You tell other Catholics you’re from Steubenville and they assume you know every other Catholic celebrity.
“Steubenville! Do you know *insert any Catholic other than the Holy Father*? Give him a hug for me!”
I mean, I kind of know them? Like, I sat behind them in church every Sunday for the last ten years, and our parents probably went to school together, but our only interaction thus far has been my handing them a pacifier off the floor at least once a week during the homily. And I ran into them at the grocery store one time, where we had a similar exchange, but I retrieved the pacifier from under a shelf in the candy aisle instead of from under a pew. Is that what you were asking?
3. You tell other Catholics you’re from Steubenville and they assume you go to Franciscan.
“Steubenville! What year are you?”
Fun fact: Steubenville is the name of the town and part of the name of the school, so when I say I’m from Steubenville, I actually just live there.
4. You tell just about anyone you’re from Steubenville and they know someone at Franciscan.
“Steubenville! My cousin’s daughter’s boyfriend’s younger brother’s best friend goes there! Do you know him?”
Good question. Is it likely that I would’ve facebook stalked him in independent pursuit of my own MRS degree? No? I probably don’t know him then.
5. You tell other Catholics you’re from Steubenville and they assume you went to Catholic Family Land.
“Steubenville! We go there every year for family vacation! Which fest did you attend last year?”
To be honest, I’ve never actually been to any of the fests at the Apostolate for Family Consecration. It seems like a nice place, though. I hear they have a humongous water slide.
6. Most of the Catholics you know work at Franciscan University or are in some way affiliated with it.
"So where do you work?”
Campus, where do you work?
"Shocker, I work on campus too. What department?"
7. Most of the Catholics you know who don’t work at Franciscan University work at Catholic to the Max.
“You don’t work on campus? What do you do with your life?”
Oh, I just work at Catholic to the Max.
"What? Really? My son has a t-shirt from you! We love you guys." *commence sharing personal experience relating to aforementioned Catholic gift item*
8. The rest of the local Catholics you know used to work at either Franciscan University or Catholic to the Max. Or both.
This? An exaggeration? I didn't think so.
9. All of your friends growing up were offspring of Catholic celebrities.
These were either great friendships in which you shared the miseries of having well-known parents or very spiteful friendships where you were always in competition for friends because your last name didn't make you popular.
10. You’re lost in a back alley downtown and come face-to-face with one of these:
Because Catholic is painted on the very walls that hold this city up.
11. You have to distinguish Catholic locations from secular.
“Did you return that book to the library?”
“Schiappa?”
“No, the John Paul II Library!”
12. There are at least 5 other people every time you go to adoration at any of the local chapels.
"Hi Lord, I'm glad you're so popular...but I kind of came to have a mental breakdown and I can't do it since there's a cute guy here and I need to look cool in front of him..."
This is when you start praying for a miracle that will clear the chapel. Or spend the next hour trying not to be distracted from silent prayer by the attractively curly head in front of you.
13. You’re 5 minutes late for mass anywhere in the city and you have to stand in the back.
And by 5 minutes late, we mean less than 10 minutes early. If you’re lucky, the priest won’t point it out from the altar.
14. There is always mass.
Don’t want to take a gamble on Fr. recognizing your tardiness in front of your fellow church-goers? Have no fear, there’s probably another mass starting somewhere nearby within the hour.
15. You describe your geographic location via religious landmarks.
“Ok, did you cross the Divine Mercy bridge? Great, I’m just down the block from St. Peter’s... You’re at the Cathedral? No, turn around, that’s too far…”
16. You recognize your friends’ cars based on their Catholic bumper stickers
“Heyyyyy, Sarah’s here!”
How do you know?
“Do you know anyone else with a Xterra that has an ‘I heart the Pope’ sticker AND a ‘choose life’ sticker?”
17. You’ve been prayed over at Walmart because a group of Franciscan students seemed to think you needed it.
“What? Me? In need of prayers? No! I mean, not now, I just need eggs and bread and cheese and...uh...ok... Yeah, I guess I need the prayers now..."
18. You often forget to ask people you meet if they're Catholic because they just always are.
"I just met the man of my dreams last night. Don't be surprised if I'm engaged within the year!"
Is he Catholic?
"I don't know... He was wearing a button down and Sperry's, so probably?"
