I wish things like this were direct messages to the afterlife; I guess this is just an easy way for me to find closure somehow. I first want to say to you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I was never there. You were apart of my father's life for so long and I purposely shut myself away from both of you because I was so angry. I was angry from the start, and I know you saw that. I didn't hide it well; I didn't really want to. I was angry because I only knew one side of you, and that was the alcoholic side. I wanted to know more. Believe me. I wanted to. You were a new woman in my father's life, a new woman in my life, of course I wanted to.
I couldn't stand being around another alcoholic because I was surrounded by them my whole life. I also knew that I desperately needed another woman figure in my life, I know you wanted to give that to me, but at the time neither one of us were ready. I know you cared about me. I cared about you and it wasn't because I had to. It's easy for me to care about people, you were my father's new wife, he loved you, you loved him. I resented you for so long because I blamed you for why the relationship I had with my father was on the rocks. I couldn't accept the fact that my father could love any other woman besides my own mother. I never hated you; it takes a lot for me to hate someone and I never once hated you. I hope you knew that, I pray to God that you knew that. I was a young girl, not even in her twenties yet; angry at the world. In my eyes at the time, you were trying to replace my mother.
I only knew the addict side of you. The first time I met you, you were already drunk. I didn't understand why my father brought you into our home. I was extremely selfish, I know that now. For seventeen years it was me, my father and my mother. Once she was gone it was just the two of us and then you came along. My father needed you because I was never there.
That was entirely my fault, I made no effort to get to know you. Dad desperately tried to get us to grow that bond, whenever he would leave for work it would just be me and you. You would watch Ellen in the morning, sitting comfortably on the couch. You would say Good Morning and I would say it back quietly and walk past you. I didn't sit on the couch next you, ever. I would always sit in the chair, or on the floor away from you. As I look back now, I know I was afraid. Afraid that if I got to know you it would mean I was forgetting my mother. You were a mother yourself, why would you make someone that's not your daughter forget their mother? You wouldn't. You weren't a crappy person. You felt love and you cared. I saw that a lot, you cared deeply about my father and I know you loved him.
The only good memory I have of us was a few weeks before I moved out. I don't remember the conversation honestly, I just remember that we were laughing, hard laughter from the belly. It was after you came home from being in rehab, you looked healthy, you were drinking soda, you were looking for jobs, you were staying away from alcohol. You were desperately trying to stay sober and I saw that. Your eyes were full of light and to me, that was amazing. When that happened I second guessed myself; you were with my father for a while now, maybe it was time I bonded more with you. I thought about changing my mind about moving out.
I moved out anyway. Things didn't change. I realized that I needed to stay away, if I stayed around you longer things would've been harder for me. When I moved out I never saw you two, I would talk to you guys on the phone and it would be fine, but I never visited.
Daddy told me you were doing ten times better and I was so happy. I knew you guys were happier but I still made the choice of not visiting and I'm so sorry.
In October 2013, dad's world came crashing down. You got sick and had to go the emergency room. You died that day and I was so confused. Did my father really lose another wife? Did he really go through everything that happened in 2007 all over again? He broke my heart. He kept saying "Did I do something wrong to deserve this? Is it me? What did I do wrong?" I was devasted, not only for him but for you especially. I never had the chance to know the woman that you were, the woman my father fell in love with. I remember your funeral, I met the majority of your family. The ones that were a new family for me. I met them under awful circumstances. I met your daughter, I immediately knew what she was feeling and I still couldn't think of the right words to say. When I left I walked back to my car and just cried. I sobbed and I screamed. I didn't have the chance to tell you what I needed to say and should've said. No one knows that I did that. I was alone, you were gone and it broke my heart.
I should've bonded with you more, you needed that, and I purposely pushed myself away and I will forever regret that. This letter to you will hopefully bring me peace, and hopefully wherever you are you know that I wished I tried harder with you. I hope Dad knows that I did care about you and that there was a love there. I hope you know that too.
I hope you're at peace, wherever you are in your paradise. I know you're watching over your children, your family and my father.
I will never forget you.