Hope, that's what keeps me going each day because I am bipolar and I am proud of who I am. Every day is a struggle but hope is what gets me through the day. You would not be able to tell that I am bipolar by just looking at me, but sometimes the people with the biggest smiles have the most pain. It’s hard to try to walk in my shoes because most people do not understand what being bipolar is. Some people associate bipolar people to be crazy and unstable people, which is not entirely true. I will try to paint a picture of my life and what I go through daily, to show you what it’s like living with this mental illness.
First I would like to give you the definition for someone who is bipolar. Bipolar is also known as manic depression which affects sleeping, thinking, energy and behavior. This means my mind is switching between being in a manic and depressed state. With these changes it causes me to act differently depending on if I am manic which is high energy or depressed which causes me to have low energy. Some examples of me being in a manic state are I spend a lot of money, stay up late at night and I’m ready to do anything. Sadly, the manic state doesn’t last long, I fall into a depression period that could last days or weeks. Being in this depressive state, I just want to hide inside, sleep and to be alone. Either way, when I’m manic I spend too much money and do so much stupid shit, or I’m depressed and just want to disappear. Dealing with this mental disorder is not an easy task, but like I said before, hope keeps me going.
Before I finally got on medicine for my bipolar, my life was a roller coaster. This disorder started affecting me more at the end of high school. I started to do drugs that I should not have been doing, I was skipping school and I was staying out all night with my friends. This disorder was destroying my life without my even knowing. My grades in school were affected, I was a total jackass to my parents and ruined relationships with some of my friends.
At the end of high school, I got accepted to Bloomsburg University of Pennsylvania. I was ecstatic, but this underlying disorder was like a demon on my back and it was about to ruin my life. The first week of fall semester I was kicked out of the dorms in a week, no joke. The cops came to our room and said it smelled like marijuana, they ended up finding a little bit of marijuana and a bong. We ended up getting ARD probation for a year and 60 hours of community service. I ended up finding a place off campus to live since I could no longer live in the dorms. I ended up moving off campus, but that did not last long either. I dropped out of Bloomsburg in November of 2013. I stopped going to class. I was not hanging out with anybody and was completely depressed. This disorder got me in such a mental state that I could no longer be at school and it's caused me to be on probation.
After dropping out from Bloomsburg I moved back home and started working at my local pizza place. This was not the right move. I was working full time so I was making close to $600-$700 a week. Now I was able to buy more drugs and go on a more crazy adventure. I would drive to Temple University of Pennsylvania to hang out with my friends who were in college there. I was being a reckless person until one night I went too far. I finally realized that I was not who I wanted to be. I became the demon of these mental disorders and it had taken control of my life. I asked for help finally because at this point I was suicidal and needed serious help. I ended up being put into a rehabilitation center, which I stayed in for five days. During that time, I learned how to talk about my problems and that drugs cannot fix your problems. After getting out of rehab I went back to live at my home in Bucks County. I was clean, off of drugs, and was becoming a person I wanted to be. I started going to a psychiatrist and finally was on medicine to stabilize my bipolar.
Ever since I have been on this medication my life has turned around for the better. I now have more control of my mental disorder. I am no longer spending huge amounts of money on things. I can have conversations with my friends and family, and do not have to rely on drugs to make me happy. This medicine has allowed me to have opportunities that I never thought where possible. I am going to West Chester University of Pennsylvania now and passed both my fall and spring semester! This was the first time I ever felt like I conquered my disease. Hope finally paid off.
Sadly, not everyone has been able to conquer this mental disorder and for people who have it, they feel alone because they have no one who understands them. I was able to overcome this disease because I finally sought out help that some others are not able to afford, which saddens me. I was able to overcome this but others are still struggling and this is why I am writing this. I want people who are bipolar to see this and know they are not alone! You should never be afraid to express who you are or to be scared of what others will think of you. Be proud of being bipolar, because I am. If I was not bipolar I would have never learned about myself and who I was or who I could have been. Conquering this mental disorder has made me a stronger person, and I hope others with this disorder one day feel the same.
