Dunkin' Donuts is better than Starbucks. End of story. I don't know what got into everyone's heads that the irreproachable might of Dunkin' Donuts could be challenged by the ungainly likes of Starbucks, but I will attempt to dissuade anyone from ever boasting about Starbuck's supposed superiority ever again with this article. This article may go down in history as the most convincing, analytically perfect paper to have ever graced the topic of the Dunkin Donuts vs. Starbucks discussion. Prepare yourself, readers, for not even Thomas Jefferson could display such articulation on this matter!

Firstly, Dunkin' Donuts simply has a better name than Starbucks. It's simple and effective. You hear the name Dunkin' Donuts, you think to yourself "Oh, so I'm probably going to be eating donuts, right?" Because Dunkin' Donuts trust that their customers are intelligent, customers will be able to deduce that because the title implies you will be dunking these donuts. They will immediately understand that you would dunk those donuts in coffee because what else would you dunk donuts in? Customers know what to expect from a place called Dunkin Donuts.

Meanwhile, what do customers expect from a place called Starbucks? Money in the shape of stars? Stars in the shape of money? Male deer who have become highly famous in society? No one knows what the title is supposed to mean upon initial inspection. It's confusing and nonsensical. The title "Starbucks" is an embarrassment among coffee store names, and it's one of many reasons why Dunkin Donuts succeeds over Starbucks.

Secondly, Dunkin' Donuts has a better atmosphere in its stores than Starbucks. When you walk into a Dunkin' Donuts store, you are automatically hit with the brilliant smells of coffee, the beauty of pop songs from the last decade, and the sophistication of American capitalism. What American wouldn't want to walk into a Dunkin' Donuts store on their way to work? The store reeks of intelligent interior design due to the multifaceted nature of its floorplans. It's so amazing I can't even go into great detail about it lest the reader become dumbfounded by its sheer descriptive greatness.

Then, you have…Starbucks. A dour location for all coffee drinkers. A coffee joint where the lights are so dim you can hardly see the menu. A caffeine consumption establishment that suffocates its customers with unbearable aromas of the most repulsive variety. An early morning drinking establishment for drug addicts where the air is tainted by the presence of so-called "jazz" music in a cloying attempt to force 20th-century music onto the 21st-century masses. Get out of our faces with this cockamamie nonsense Starbucks. You're not impressive and your store is an eyesore to all, even to those who can't see!

In conclusion, Dunkin' Donuts is the product of devoted love and care to Americans. In contrast, Starbucks is an insult to all senses, even to intelligent lifeforms who are able to use their sixth senses! I hope this article has effectively demonstrated just how inept the entirety of Starbucks actually is. I defy anyone to challenge the words recorded in this article. If you are able, then you ought to be resolving wars instead of attempting to convince people of your side in a debate that ultimately means absolutely nothing.