Have you ever felt like you lost control of something? How hard was it to get back? Nine years ago, I began my battle with my eating disorder. My ongoing guilt from many things in my life was the fuel that kept my eating disorder going. I felt guilty for not being a better big sister. I felt guilty for getting better grades than my male classmates. I felt guilty for going to college when I knew many of my friends would never get the opportunity. I felt guilty for not making my first college relationship work. I felt guilty for leaving my hometown, my family, and my friends in order to find what true happiness means for me. All of this guilt, that I have carried for nearly half of my life, continues to fuel my eating disorder. No one knows that I have it, unless I've told them, and no one knows how truly sick it has made me. Whenever I try to engage in conversation with people about my eating disorder and my lived experiences with it, I am invalidated (mostly because of a few common myths associated with it).
First of all, many people believe that only skinny people can be anorexic. This is most certainly not true. Many of the people that I have been in support group with and who I have been in treatment groups with over the years have been around my size or larger. There is no typical body type associated with anorexia. From personal experience, I can testify that accepting this myth as truth can end up not only hurting the awareness of the issue, but also can end up harming those struggling with it. I internalized this myth for most of my life, which caused me to wait several years to come to terms with it and receive treatment for it.
Next, along with most invisible illnesses, I often have people, whom I trust, tell me that I don't look sick. This ties into the previous myth that many people think that if you aren't skinny, then, you cannot be anorexic. I had my worst episode in years towards the end of my junior year, where I starved myself as a means to try to commit suicide. I felt like it was taking too long, so I talked to my friend about it the night that I planned to kill myself. That night, I got talked out of doing it, but ended up becoming hospitalized the next day. When I tried talking to someone else about it the next day, they accused me of lying because I wasn't "skinny enough" to be anorexic. Sadly enough, speaking from personal experience, this has happened too often to count.
Similar to folks who tell me that I don't look sick, many often assume that I am lying and am only seeking attention when I tell someone. I have only told people that I trust, and I only tell these people because I realize that my eating disorder is out of my control. When it gets to this point, I feel like there is very little that I can do to stop these behaviors. At this point, I often get scared and don't know what else to do, except talk to someone I trust. I do not tell people with the intention of scaring them, nor do I tell people seeking attention. I tell people that I trust hoping that I can find comfort and solace in someone who is understanding.
There are many more myths surrounding this invisible illness; however, these are just a few of the most common that I have heard in my lifetime. Hopefully, by having conversations with folks who have invisible illnesses, we can help support those with invisible illnesses. We may not be able to see their illnesses, but we can show them that we care for them and will support them in whatever way would be most helpful for them.
