One of the most apparent things I notice as a millennial is our generation’s seemingly constant need to be “together,” observing attention and on the go. This extends far past amorous relationships and right into friendships, elaborately planned social calendars, and the need to find company for a Tuesday night trip to Wegmans. So often, at least in my own experience, I find that feeling the need to always be surrounded by others can seriously compromise mental health. Though the sum of our relationships and their meaning are an essential component of the human experience, the equally important part is the relationship we have with ourselves.
Speaking of dating, why is it that we feel the constant need to be “desired” and sought after? When one person of interest leaves our lives, it feels like it’s not soon after the let down that we’re bouncing back up, declaring ourselves single and “back in the game” and looking for someone to fill a void. I always question my girl friends in this regard, when they beg me to head out with them, “back on the prowl.”
When we involve ourselves with people, we share our energy with them. This energy is our own, and your own experience and perspective is tinted with each little person you meet. With everything in our world so demanding, and our friendships and constant void for attraction ever looming, I wouldn’t be surprised to find that the majority of the people would have to think long and hard before answering the question “When was the last time you gave yourself a chance to spend time alone?” Bouncing from night to night, dinners with friends near and then dinner with friends far, the ending of one potential relationship to a first date with another, all while sending out texts to your old flames, feeling the need to find something to latch on to, isn’t healthy. What I have just described is what I am fairly confident could be the showroom model of the average college-aged female (and hell, males, too!) It’s also a perfect example of how our energy winds up all out of whack, as I can admit I’ve found myself feeling like a ball of yarn with open-ended situations everywhere and a full social calendar through to the next month.
Spending time alone, I’ve decided, has got to be the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. No one can quiet your own mind for you, nor get you back to a good place, and honestly, when we’re constantly bouncing around, none of us end up in a good place.
The first half of this is making sure to know when to take a break from relationships and anything of the amorous nature. People change us in ways we don’t even realize sometimes, and it’s not uncommon to find a whole new piece of yourself as you let someone go. Just like the seasons, people change. (Cue “Seasons of love” anyone?) Bouncing from person to person, hurting after the end of one thing and looking for solace in the beginning of another does nothing but twist you in 300 different directions. The most obvious part of this being you can’t give 100 percent of yourself to someone if there are random percentages of your mind and heart still strung along the timeline of your past.
You need to take the time to asses the damages and growths and become reacquainted with yourself and your own needs, thoughts and wants as they pertain to you before you begin to bring everything you have to offer into the life of another person. Baggage really only exists if we let it. Scars can heal, but only if we give ourselves the chance to let them. This comes from within, not the hands, mind or heart of another person. Before you mix energies with yet another romantic interest, make sure that yours is one that is able to be mixed — give the poor guy a fair shot. Likewise, give yourself a fair shot. Make sure you’re setting yourself up and putting yourself out there on a firm foundation. This I am sure is one of the most important life tasks. You have to know yourself first.
Right up there among the most important things is making sure you take time away from everyone, not just romantic interests. Give yourself a day each week to do things exactly as you want to do them. Be selfish, don’t judge yourself, and do exactly what will make you happy in the time you’ve set aside. Take a road trip to your favorite city just to grab a cup of coffee and read a book, and self-reflect on the drive. Take a beach day just for you to lay and quiet your mind. Go to the mall alone and treat yourself. Even if you find you’re too busy, set aside 20 minutes each morning to start your day with yoga, meditation, or just 10 minutes to lay and let yourself be still. Mindfulness is an extremely important part of our everyday lives and something that is so often overlooked. No one is going to set aside time for you other than you. No one understands or has the capacity to love and respect you more than you, but it’s an active process.
So make sure you’re taking the time for it, and even just realizing that it’s something you should be tackling. Nothing but good can come of it, and I promise you’ll find when you spend time alone, you learn integral things about yourself that not only makes you the best you for your own purpose, but ensures you’re the best you for others as well.
