After graduating high school I was dead set on having my (for lack of better words) shit together. I started college, a full-time job, bought my first car, and even got my first apartment. I'd love to tell you all that everything has been a breeze, but come to find out being an adult is extremely hard. I have failed on more occasions in these last two years than I can ever remember in my entire life. I held too tight to toxic relationships, nearly burned bridges to those closest to me, and have struggled with actually living my life. And somewhere along the way, I lost myself.
Over the last couple of months, I have been trying to find myself per say. I have had countless amounts of incredible experiences that the freedom of adulthood provides. I have spent nights barely sleeping because I was studying, mornings that required me to wake up at a very uncomfortable time (7:00 a.m. or before is considered uncomfortable FYI), read countless self help books in effort to retain some sort of set lifestyle, put my faith to the taste, went on vacations with my best friends, and have laughed til I cried with my family.
In all of the moments I described above I feel a slight sense of pride. There was no one pushing me to achieve any of the things that I have achieved. No one to prioritize my life, no one making me workout, no one making me read books or get a good nights sleep. I chose to do these things. I have chosen to attempt to find myself again. Be proud of your little victories, we are only human after all.
However, along this path of hopeful Euphoria, I uncovered that who I am is ever changing. With every experience and life lesson, I grow into someone new. Someone that I may not recognize a year from now, and that's okay. Growth is essential. However how we guide and direct our growth is key. But isn't that the most beautiful part, we get to choose the kind of person to become? What are your priorities; happiness, money, humility, pride, faith, family, or friends? Maybe multiple? Are you lead by emotions or reality? We may not be able to control all of the terrible things that can happen, but we can control how we react to said experiences.
This is now my first attempt to put a pencil to paper in over a year.
For so long writing was my passion and it slowly slipped away from me. I expected words to flow out of me at some point, I hoped that I would reach a sudden epiphany where the words that have been trapped in my brain would just flow out. But that's not the case, I neglected the only passion that allowed me to be completely raw and open in this world. I shut off a part of myself. We have to stop cage birding ourselves. We have to feed our gift. As best said by Atticus, "we humans are so tortured by not properly guessing what will make us happy." Never have I felt more content or at peace than when my thoughts are written out in front of me. And I can't imagine a more beautiful life than one where my expression of self leads the way.
