Recently, I've been reminiscing on my life in hindsight, calculating many of my past decisions. I'm not looking back in regret: this is a distinctly different analysis. It's a sort of equation, or a review. It's like those hotline numbers on the back of 18-wheelers, except instead of reporting on how well I am driving, it's:

HOW AM I LIVING? CALL 1-800-777-7777

It's as though I'm measuring how much I've improved over time. I've grown a lot in the past few years. I was once a seedling, and now I have bloomed into a flower.

As I briefly relive my journey to who I am now, my mistakes become clear to me. Untrustworthy people brought in too close. The loss of contact with worthwhile friends. Those nights I went out when I should have stayed in, and vice versa. Nights that I should have gone to bed earlier, and alarm clocks I should have set. Words I shouldn't have said, or words I should have; they all stick out to me as if they were written bright red, permanent marker.

As someone who suffers from an anxiety disorder, I used to grill myself day and night over these mistakes. I used to crave perfection and see it in others everywhere I went. I used to get caught in the trap of comparison, and admittedly, sometimes still do size up the person sitting next to me, even if we are in no way competing over anything.

If there is one thing I could go back and tell my younger self in hindsight, it is that this constant worry, shame, and comparison is useless and counterproductive. It doesn't lead to eventual success. It only causes current pain.

That is why, as I recalled what I have gone through to become the person I am, I have forgiven myself for my mistakes. I'm not perfect. I've been broken, angry, depressed, anxious, traumatized, hurtful, hurt, lazy, uptight, and naive. However, if it wasn't for my mistakes, I never would have grown. I never would have become who I am today. I was a seedling before I went out and lived my life, messed up, and now, somehow, I have become a beautiful flower.

Experience is the water that causes a seed to germinate. Mistakes are necessary for us to learn.

It's okay to mess up. It's necessary to be imperfect in order to evolve.

Allow yourself a little lee-way.

Peace.
Sarah

Each week, I include a relevant song which I have written. This week, I am including a song I wrote called "This I Know." This song was written after a long year in which I struggled greatly. It is written as an observation in hindsight of how I eventually found peace, happiness, and forgiveness. This video was taken minutes after I finished writing the song.

"Peace never came to those left unscathed/This I know"