I'm sorry I take so long to get ready.

To my friends,
I'm sorry I take so long to get ready.
Sorry I make us late all the time.
I swear it's not on purpose.
I try to begin my beautification process earlier as to not keep you
all waiting longer.
Yes, I hear you when you say, "Asamia you don't need all that
makeup," "Asamia you don't need to dress so nice." But I don't
believe it.
Yah don't get it. Yah have never lived in my body. I'm tall AF. I'm
dark AF. And I'm fat AF. That's three strikes against me... according to American standards.

I've felt that backlash for looking the way I look. For way too long. My makeup, my clothes and my hair are my weapons. I do need them. I'm sorry I take so long. It's not that I don't care about your time. I'm sorry.

To my family,
I'm sorry I take so long getting ready.
I don't mean to hog the bathroom.
The light in my room is too dark and I can afford to do my eyebrows in
the dark.
I know. You believe I'm supposed to dress modestly and makeup is not
to be worn on an everyday occasion. But this is me. I take pride in my
makeup and I like to dress the way I like.

I don't mean to make you late for work. Don't think I don't care.
It's just on the days that I don't look my best , I don't do my best.
Is that vain ? Is that tragic ? I don't know. But I have to spend an
hour in the bathroom every day just so I can have a chance at having a
good day.

I'm sorry.

To my students, and to my little sister,
I'm sorry I'm a liar.
I tell you all you're beautiful just the way you are and you shouldn't
let society dictate your perspective on beauty.
and yet I don't live by these words.
I'm sorry I tell you all one thing and live another.
I'm sorry you all caught me in the point in my journey where I can't
say makeup is an option... Not for me.
You all deserve a confident teacher. And sometimes that's not me.
You all are beautiful. I mean that. Don't be like me. Love yourself
for you. Wear makeup and dress nice for you. Not because you want to
hide yourself.
I'm sorry.

To myself.
I am sorry.
I'm sorry that I force you to lose two hours of sleep a day just for
makeup and hair.
I'm sorry I force you to buy so many clothes knowing you're only going
to where it once. And I forced you to do your nails twice a week. And
spend tons of money at ULTA.
I'm sorry all the compliments you receive roll off of you and it's the
insults that have haunted you for so long.
I'm sorry you don't feel your best if you don't look your best.
I'm sorry that even if you do look you best and you don't get acknowledged
your anxiety forces you to believe you look crappy.
I'm sorry that you actually enjoy makeup and enjoy clothes but your
insecurities have made them feel like a burden to you.
I'm sorry you feel ugly sometimes. More often than you admit.
I'm sorry your insecurities have dictated so much of your life.
I'm sorry this road to self acceptance is so hard.
But. You can do it. Cause you know you are beautiful. You just have to
learn to believe it.